


Possess Your Heart

by manubibi



Series: Possessive!Haru [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Collaboration, Love Triangles, M/M, Possessive Behavior, especially Haru, kind of unhealthy relationship, partially out of character, possessive!Haru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 22:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3706209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manubibi/pseuds/manubibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Co-written with <a href="http://dramaticallyfree.tumblr.com">dramaticallyfree</a> @ tumblr. Haruka/Nagisa with a bit of Nagisa/Rei. Edited from a rp thread and adapted into fic :)<br/>So this is a concept we came up randomly, aka Haruka being madly in love with Nagisa. But Nagisa loves Rei. But then starts dating Haru anyway. And shit happens. So this is sort of an alternate universe where everything is the same but Nagisa is a lot more open sexually - haha <i>open</i> geddit - and Haruka is really jealous and possessive, but also sweet. Anyway we both fell in love with this when we wrote it so we wanted to publish it as a fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is our baby. It was written with [Mizzy](http://dramaticallyfree.tumblr.com) on her rp blog for [Haruka](http://harukashipshimselfwithwater.tumblr.com) so make sure to check her blog out! Some parts of this are a bit lacking (esp Makoto and Rei are left a bit on the sidelines and Rin isn't there at all...) for this reason, so basically keep in mind that this was a rp thread :)   
> My rp blog is [here](http://nagisapenguindrum.tumblr.com)!

Haruka knew how Nagisa felt about Rei. He noticed how he stared at the megane, how he hung on his every word. This bugged him, bothered him even. He felt he would be a better match for his blond friend.

One day, on impulse, when they were alone and the sun was setting, he shoved the shorter one against a nearby tree, most likely knocking the air out of him.

He breathed, his eyes staring deep into his, " _I will possess your heart_.”

 

Nagisa had been blabbering about nothing since he’d stepped out of school for that day, since that was his way to fill the silence with Haruka. He had told Rei to go home, that it would take him time to clean his desk since he had been scribbling all day, lost in boredom. Still, he did not want to go home alone, so he had asked Haruka to walk with him a bit. Of course, he did not want him to walk all the way to Nagisa’s place: just a bit of road together would be alright.

And then Haruka had suddenly slammed him against a tree, which _did_ cut the air in his lungs, as much as making his head smack against the bark. He groaned for the pain, he was sure he would soon have a little bump on the back of his head. But he forgot all about it when his friend spoke.

_I will possess your heart_? What was that all about? He looked into the blue shades in front of him, momentarily feeling powerless, and frowned. 

"Haru-chan, what’s happening?" He asked. That was the very last thing he would have expected. In fact, he did not think his friend would ever willingly touch him or anybody, for that matter. He gently raised a hand to wrap it around on of Haruka’s wrists, and smiled in a kind of self-defense act."It’s been a stressful day, eh?" He continued, trying to break the tension. 

Haruka gave Nagisa nothing but a serious gaze. His eyes gleamed almost dangerously. The hands that he had shoved Nagisa with his back against the tree were now grasping desperately at his wrists, almost too tensely. 

"You _will_ love me," he said. "Rei will mean _nothing_ to you.”

Nagisa just didn’t understand his love for him. Not yet. But one day, Nagisa would be his.

Nagisa blinked, his eyes turning into a worried mix of pink. 

"Haru-chan?" He chirped, a bit scared, looking into his. When Haruka mentioned Rei his heart clenched. He had been trying for so long to tell his best friend that he really loved him, but that had been procrastinated for way too long. Two years had passed, they were at their last as a team, and he would only have his third year left to confess to Rei. Haruka and Makoto, unfortunately, would leave this year, which was the more confusing for the blond. 

"Why do you say this about Rei-chan?" He then asked sadly, looking down. He didn’t understand. Was Haruka _jealous_? He’d always thought he was more in love with Makoto. “And what about Mako-chan?” He added, as a matter of fact. Haruka noticed the look that flashed in Nagisa’s eyes at the mention of Rei’s name. It was unacceptable!

"Makoto has never been _anything_ like that to me," he said, almost spitting the words. He shifted himself closer, his leg finding its way between Nagisa’s.

"It has only ever been you, Nagisa.”

His eyes were still icy, his hands still tight around his wrists. He hoped it hurt, if even a little. He wanted Nagisa to just _get it_ already. 

Nagisa’s breath got cut off. His body was already reacting, and sending him electrical waves. The situation was weird, and he definitely did not want to believe it, but his body liked it. To be desired, to have someone look at him that way… it was definitely awakening something in him. His cheeks flushed pink, and he glanced down at Haruka’s knee. His hips were dying to meet it, but he just kept still, his mind still confused about what was going on. His heart was already two steps ahead, though. It was definitely a weird situation to be in.

"… I-I see. I, um… I don’t know how I feel about it, but… I, I like it?" He mumbled while his voice trailed lower into a whisper, the waves of excitement impeding his speech. The situation was mildly scary, but Haruka had just given him a full - albeit weird - confession, and he was taking steps. Nagisa wasn’t bound to anybody. He was confused, but his body wasn’t. What it kept telling him was that it definitely approved of what was going on - whatever that was - and it eventually made his hips move forward a little, encouraging Haruka’s body. A little sigh escaped his lips, while his eyes darted up into Haru’s. Now they seemed a bit liquid, desiring behind all the chaos.

Nagisa didn’t have to tell Haruka that. He could tell. He felt his body shift against him, and it made Haruka proud, knowing he had done this. Knowing he had put Nagisa into this situation, into this position, despite Nagisa having feelings for another… despite all of this, and yet, he could see that deep down Nagisa desired Haru, and Haruka knew that in the end, yes, he would possess the blond’s heart.

Letting go of one of his wrists, Haruka tipped Nagisa’s head back by placing a finger on his chin.

"You’re mine,” he stated, a fact that was so clear to him from the very beginning. His tone didn’t change, his eyes remained as blue and hazardously, like a car crash. “Mine, and nobody else’s.”

He made their eyes meet, and then finally their lips did too.

 

The kiss was savory against his mouth. Nagisa was a burst of flavors, like ice cream and sweet bread and melon and strawberry. He loved it, relished it, slipping his tongue into Nagisa’s parted lips to taste it better, like it was his second snack for the day.

Nagisa’s mind was so confused that it shut down entirely, letting sensations flow free. They invaded his brain, and he felt _everything_ more clearly. The bark behind him making his back arch to find comfort, and then the warmth of Haruka’s body, surrounded by the boy’s own smell of chlorine. Something different too, his own natural smell that Nagisa had never really caught. It was… somehow, salty. And then their lips met, which made a blurred feel flash up from his mouth, and then a sense of warmth running down his whole body. At that point, Nagisa’s hands seemed to act of their own volition, they ran up to Haruka’s hair, grasping on it. It was soft, pleasurable to hold between his fingers. 

In that moment he realized how much he was liking this. He pulled Haruka’s body closer, his own surrendering easily to the attack. He didn’t think he would be so easy to get through to, but he also figured it made sense, despite it being unlikely since nothing about that situation made any lick of sense in itself. Haruka’s tongue felt so good in his own, and he moved his to encourage the other, not caring that they were out in the open and anybody could see. He was already lost, and he did not want to find his way back, not yet, not until he would find himself shaking for the excitement. Which was not really a far goal at that point, but he could kiss like this a lot more, and damn if he wouldn’t. He opened up his eyes to meet Haruka’s. He finally whispered, “again, Haru-chan?”

His heart still belonged to Rei, but this was really nice.

Haruka believed he was becoming more successful once the blond went along with the kiss, even bringing himself closer. Even more so when Nagisa wanted more, his eyes shining with that want.

And so Haruka crushed his lips against Nagisa’s again in a violent passion. He molded their mouths against each other, almost perfectly. His hand let go of Nagisa’s other wrist, showing the imprint of his fingertips upon his skin in red briefly, and he ran his hands down the blond’s sides.

 

He wanted to feel it. He wanted Nagisa to feel it, too. He wanted it more than anything, to be loved by the other, and this was the only way he felt he could express it.

Nagisa sighed into the kiss, shivering quietly, his breath growing uneven as Haruka’s hands trailed down his body, warmth expanding until he felt like he was on fire. His fingers tightened up into the other’s hair, his hips rolling against Haru’s. And then his eyes shot open, realizing what he was doing. His nether regions were tense, as he found himself searching for more. So he had to ask, “are you really okay with this, Haru-chan? I really didn’t expect any of this.” 

Of course, he didn’t mind some fun, experimentation, but he did not want Haruka to be led on. Especially since he was still so confused by this whole business.

"Shut up," Haruka snarled, his breath hot against Nagisa’s chin. He kissed him there, and trailed down his neck a little. Each kiss had a slip of tongue, as if a touch of their lips wasn’t enough. 

He stared at Nagisa then, with a desperate look in his eyes. He may have had said such strong, _hard_ strong words just moments ago, but something in his eyes came across as different than just what he had spoken out loud. His eyes were more innocent than he appeared to be.

Nagisa blinked, surprised, then let go a soft moan as Haruka kissed his neck, diving his fingers through the brunet’s hair. He had never seen Haruka act so bossy: it went straight down his groin for some reason, but then he did see something flash in the other’s eyes, something bitter, something he himself had probably worn so many times… anytime he had looked at Rei without being seen. And he realized Haruka meant it, all of it.

 

He cupped his cheeks and kissed him softly, purely, as he gently rubbed a thumb on the other’s cheeks, then smiled sadly. 

He did not know whether that was right or wrong, but he felt like at least trying to give him something. He could see right through him now.

Haruka was taken aback when the shorter male held his face in his hands, like he was something precious, and kissed him on the lips, in a whole different fashion than moments ago. His heart soared in his chest, and he returned it without hesitation.

He grabbed Nagisa’s hips tighter, his fingers digging into the skin. He could feel the shape of his bones under the material, just one layer between them. He wanted to tear away that one layer, to touch bare flesh against bare flesh. But right now, he was relishing this sweeter kiss.

Nagisa sighed, trying to control his body, fully knowing it was appreciating whatever this was very much, and since his words couldn’t reach Haruka right now, as proven, he simply kissed him again, closing his eyes and imagining that was Rei, at which point he gasped softly, pulling Haruka against himself. His kiss got more aggressive, and his hands started roaming around the other’s back. He kept his eyelids firmly shut while he kissed Haruka’s neck this time. He didn’t let his particular smell turn him off his fantasy. He imagined being in the pool, standing in the water, with his lips on Rei’s collarbone. His heart ached, but he kept at it anyway.

Haruka let out a vulnerable noise, like a intake of air through his teeth. He focused on how Nagisa ran his hands along his body, and how his lips touched his pulsing neck. His skin felt hot against his mouth, and his heart stammered with its rhythm.

Haruka kissed him roughly again then, a soft whimper coming from his own throat. One of his hands went up Nagisa’s side, then back down again, his fingertips trailing softly against him. He had hoped he was slowly capturing the small blond’s heart, as planned. Especially since he was a fragile thing when it came to love.

Nagisa moaned quietly, his fingers reaching up under Haruka’s shirt, touching his skin, and then he opened his eyes emerging from the fantasy. He breathed, “we should probably go somewhere more private, huh?” 

He kissed him again, sweetly once more, as his hands left Haruka’s skin to caress his cheeks. He smiled gently, looking into the other’s eyes. He’d always been good at masking his feelings, and he was more specifically burying his sick heart under a guise of love.

”Yeah,” Haruka breathed. He couldn’t look away. He couldn’t even breathe. It was like the air in his lungs left him, and for a moment, he was struggling to find words. Nagisa enchanted him too much.

"My place." It wasn’t a question. He tugged slightly on the hem of Nagisa’s shirt. It was a possessive tug, that promised upcoming events. “Now.”

 

Nagisa nodded, pecking his lips again, and smiled quietly. “Yeah, Haru-chan,” he whispered, going to grab his hand, then intertwining their fingers. Oh man, he was going to feel _so bad_ about this. But right now, he just wanted to feel good, at least for once. One time where he’d get a gift of sorts. He was allowed to be selfish for once, right? It’s not like Haruka would know. 

He was desperate to feel, too.

Haruka didn’t waste any time. He grabbed his wrist, and nearly dragged him to his house, which thankfully, wasn’t that far away. As soon as they were behind closed doors, Haruka grabbed Nagisa again, holding his face in his hands, and crushed his lips to the other’s once more.

As he kissed him, he led him backwards to his bedroom, his small bedroom that had been used for nothing but sleeping, and sometimes studying and drawing if he got bored enough, and shoved Nagisa down on the mattress, his mouth only escaping the blond’s for just a second before he kissed him again.

Nagisa sighed, in anticipation. He kissed back each and every time, with a different scenario playing in his mind behind closed eyelids. He was pretty much moaning already as he found himself down on Haruka’s mattress, he actively sought contact by pulling him on himself, shoved his tongue inside the other’s mouth as he let go of little, soft moans. He closed his eyes and Rei was smiling at him, the next second he opened them and Haruka was taking his clothes off. The excitement was too much to worry about the disconnect, and he reached down to take off his own pants, his breathing erratic and his voice needy. 

"Haru-chan…" He pleaded, with his hips rocking a little as he looked straight into Haruka’s eyes. He was already willing to push it that far.

Haruka’s hands were tugging at Nagisa’s pants before he realized it, and when he did, he didn’t stop himself. Nagisa was showing the signs that he wanted this. He spoke his name with that stupid - _chan_ at the end that he had grown to adore, only when uttered by the blond, and he was pulled under all over again.

"Nagisa," he breathed back, his voice low and soft. He hovered over him, ready to take that next step further.

Nagisa was feeling the guilt pooling up inside him, but what crushed him was his name being called like that. He lifted a hand to stroke Haruka’s cheek, passing his fingers through his hair, and he sighed. 

"Do you really… love me?" He asked, looking straight into his eyes. He tried to warm up to him specifically. He pushed Rei aside, but the bespectacled boy kept coming back in his thoughts… 

Nagisa was definitely being driven crazy, and it wasn’t even his body to cloud his thinking now. It was the complete awkwardness he’d been feeling from the beginning. 

But if Haruka could _fuck_ Rei away from his thoughts, he suddenly thought, then so be it. He was tired of pining and getting his hopes up only to be disappointed. He was tired of being in love with someone who wouldn’t see him that way, he was tired of it all.

Haruka nuzzled slightly into Nagisa’s palm on his face, his eyes drooping. Then his fingers were in his hair, and he shivered slightly.

"Yes," he whispered. He had made that clear all along, hadn’t he? He told him, right from the start of this, that he would possess his heart, and that’s what he intended to do. And it’s because he was helplessly in love with Nagisa.

" _Yes_ …" he repeated, as he leaned down, to brush his lips on his jawline. He closed his blue eyes.

Nagisa let him in, welcoming him warmly as they exchanged kisses, his mind focusing on Haruka’s scent and taste, on his body so close, on his words. He _wanted_ to love him back. He _wanted_ to make him happy, he just didn’t know how. But with Haruka inside of him, he didn’t need to think. He let go of himself, whispering the other’s name. And then at the end, Haruka’s name turned to something else. His heart betrayed him as, right while he climaxed, he called softly, “ _Rei_.” His eyes opened wide as he stared into Haruka’s eyes, then. His heart was pounding, and he covered his mouth. “I-I mean… no, that’s not it.” He swallowed, afraid, while he looked into the other’s eyes. “I thought of you the entire time,” he added, because it was true. But in the end, he’d been lying to himself all along.

It had been all going so perfectly. Haruka found that he fit perfectly, that they molded together almost as one. It was something he had waited for far too long, and he was finally living a dream. He had shared intimate kisses and whispers and sweet nothings, and then, it all shattered when Nagisa breathed the wrong name.

 

_Rei_.

 

Something in him cracked, and dissolved, and tore at him. All he could do was stare down at Nagisa, with his blue eyes wide and full of the pain he was feeling overwhelm him. He had gone completely still, and he was probably the most unmasked then than he had ever been before. He didn’t even know what to do. Nagisa’s babbling afterwards meant nothing. Everything just… felt dark to him.

He had failed.

Nagisa saw it all crumble and a sense of deep guilt enveloped him. He sat up, his heart crushed, and he cupped Haruka’s cheeks trying to get through to him again.

"Haru-chan… _Haru_. I’m sorry," he whispered, his eyes already starting to prickle for his mortification. "I’m so sorry, I… I tried. I can’t get rid of him, but I tried…"

He wished he could just disappear at once. He’d just hurt one of his best friends really bad, and it was all his fault. He looked down, shaking his head and letting his hands fall from Haruka’s face. 

"No, it’s all my fault. I led you on because I thought you’d help me deal with… him." _Partially true_. He shook his head again, deciding to come all out.

"… Actually, that’s not the truth either. I used you. You can punch me in the face or… whatever would make you feel better."

In the end, he could not change his feelings, and nobody could force him to, not even himself as much as he would have liked to, and that was the actual truth. Once he really learnt it, he would have to pick up the pieces. He loved Haruka, just not the way Haru wanted him to.

Haruka listened to everything Nagisa said. When he reached up to touch him, he didn’t even flinch. As the blond went on and on, spilling more and more of the truth, Haruka felt like he wanted to die then.

_I used you_.

Those words were what he focused on the most. They said more than anything else had. He hadn’t realized tears had begun to form in his eyes until his vision became blurry with the droplets. He blinked, and a stream ran down along his cheek.

He could tell Nagisa wanted to leave, right away, right this second. He saw the shame and guilt on his face. _No_ , this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

Finally, he said, “You _will_ be mine, Nagisa.” His voice was the most cruel than ever in his life. Sharper than a knife’s blade. 

Nagisa first felt the guilt pool up inside of him, just as he saw Haruka crying, and then his eyes widened in fear. What did he mean exactly? Now he kind of really wanted to leave. But he spoke instead, trying to understand.

"Haru… Haru-chan?" He chirped, swallowing. "I’m sorry. I’m… terribly sorry. I should’ve just told you outright to… back off or something…" he said, crying too without even realizing it. He would’ve rather getting punched. He lowered his defenses, sighing. "God, I’m horrible."

"I don’t understand," Haruka said, and now his voice was beginning to waver. "I _love_ you.”

His hands grasped the sheets. Not only did he look heartbroken, but he also looked angry.

" _I’m_ the one who loves you, not Rei," he went on. "He doesn’t feel that way about you. There’s only ever going to be me.”

Those words hit a raw nerve, and Nagisa frowned through the tears, hugging his knees, and hissed. “Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think I haven’t considered that much time pining about him a waste and don’t you think I haven’t had my dose of heartache? That’s the truth, I can’t control it, and I’ll probably love him… I don’t even know till when. Even though I’m hopeless.”

He looked straight at Haruka, feeling a sob coming up his throat and speaking anyway. “Don’t you think I’ve tried getting him out of my head? Do you think I just… had sex with you because I wanted to hurt you? I was trying to get over it, Haru-chan. And yet here I am, stuck with a crush and someone else I can’t love back for heavens knows what reason! Do you think I wouldn’t be with you if I honestly felt the same? What I did was wrong, but it wasn’t out of, you know, _amusement_ in hurting you. You weren’t even supposed to know what I was thinking.”

After he finished his rant, he took a deep sigh, hiding his face and completely curling up in a ball, letting the tears finally flow freely.

Haruka let those words sink into his brain. Nagisa had tried, he hadn’t meant to hurt him, but in the end, the pain was real anyway. 

He glared down at the smaller male a few moments more before he withdrew himself and stood on his feet. His knees were shaky, so he lost his balance before he regained it.

"If you really want to forget about Rei," he said the name like it was acid on his tongue, “then be with me."

Nagisa wiped his tears and looked up at him with his cheeks flushing, then looked down lost in thought.

"But that would hurt you even more. And I…don’t want you to hate Rei-chan. I don’t want our team to have problems because of me." He paused, biting down on his lip for a couple of seconds, and sniffling. "But… if you really want it, then… I guess it’s worth trying, _ne_?" He continued, looking up at him. He shivered, wondering _how_ the evening had turned out like that. And then something dawned on him.

"Do you know… that was my first time?"

He didn’t know how he felt about that, but it was definitely a weird feeling, that much was certain.

Haruka wanted to be with Nagisa more than anything else in this world. His eyes widened when Nagisa admitted his truth, and he felt himself warm up, if even a little. “Mine too,” he said.

He didn’t hate Rei, and he probably wouldn’t. Rei had done nothing wrong. In fact, he didn’t even feel anything for Nagisa, so really, Rei was just a random person Haruka had to beat, to win Nagisa’s heart. “The team won’t suffer,” he promised.

He gazed at Nagisa longingly. 

Nagisa kept looking at him, and eventually he nodded, smiling slightly. “If that’s how it’s gonna be, then… yeah. That might be right. I just don’t… want to cause any more hurt, Haru-chan.” He blushed, and then added, “but if you know what you’re doing I’ll be with you.” He reiterated, nodding, and looked up into Haruka’s deep, blue eyes. 

Then he widened his arms, inviting him for a hug. Maybe he needed it.

Haruka watched him open his arms, and he found himself returning to him in an instant. His heart was pounding now as he was enfolded in the other’s arms. His eyes drooped halfway closed, and he listened to Nagisa’s heartbeat and his breath.

Love made him a fragile thing.

"You will love me, one day." He was positive. He would possess the blond’s heart.

Nagisa passed his fingers through Haruka’s hair, holding him tight, skin to skin. He knew it was a risky decision for both of them, but he thought about giving it a chance. He didn’t reply, but he limited himself to sigh, finding that he wanted it to be true. He was done with being ignored. He looked at Haru, and smiled gently before pecking his lips. For once, he had nothing to say, and eventually he relaxed, choosing to believe in Haruka’s best side.

Morning came before Haruka realized he had fallen asleep. He woke up with sleepy eyes, and he looked around his dim room to find that Nagisa wasn’t there. He let everything from last night register in his mind again, and his heart beat erratically in his chest.

He had always wondered how sex would feel like, how it affected people, if it changed them. But really, the touching and kissing and feeling wasn’t what had impacted him now from the event… it was Nagisa’s words, his confession, the promise they made to each other.

Haruka sat up, his hair going this way and that. He ran a hand through the strands to attempt to tame it. He felt like he hadn’t even slept. Sighing, he got up to dress, and to get ready for the day.

But first, he would hit the bathtub.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haru >> [dramaticallyfree](http://dramaticallyfree.tumblr.com)/[harukashipshimselfwithwater](http://harukashipshimselfwithwater.tumblr.com)  
> Nagisa>> [nagisapenguindrum](http://nagisapenguindrum.tumblr.com)

Nagisa had found himself hugging Haruka from behind as he woke, and he’d spent a few minutes collecting his thoughts, deciding to go to school way early instead. Maybe a bit of fresh morning air would help him make some clarity out of the mess in his mind. Walking alone to school, he had the occasion to also think about what the previous evening meant. He’d opened up to Haruka ridiculously easily, while anyone else would have taken hours or days to get him to spill the truth, especially about his feelings. He was always straightforward about his opinions, but he was really protective of his weaknesses. And while he did think maybe Haruka had acted a bit too differently from the usual, he could also perfectly understand. He also noticeably blushed thinking of his slip-up, then cursed at himself again.  
Now he had a boyfriend, he guessed, and he wasn’t even sure that was even a normal sort of consequence to having a hook-up. Not in those circumstances. And it was such a weird thought.  
As he stepped into class he saw Rei, as usual one of the first to enter, concentrated deeply on his books. He always came in class almost first and whipped books out to study; while Nagisa would generally interrupt him by playing pranks, this time he sat down, his torso lying flat on the desk. He was still a bit sleepy, but he could deal. What he couldn’t deal with, suddenly, was Rei’s very presence. It bothered him, because he would have to hide his attraction and also reject it. The easiest course of action would be ignoring him completely, but Rei would notice. Which he did. Nagisa could feel the megane’s gaze burning on his back, but he did not turn.  
"Is there something troubling you, Nagisa-kun?" Rei finally asked from behind his shoulders. He had watched the blond walk into school today with a strange look in his eyes and a funny stance in his walk. Now, Nagisa was completely ignoring him, and not in the silly way he had always used just to tease him.

Rei wondered, was Nagisa ignoring him because he had done something? He didn’t like the idea that he may have hurt his friend. He frowned, waiting anxiously for his reply.  
Nagisa turned around to look at him, smiling a little as he tried to reassure him. A lot was troubling him, in fact, but he shook his head.  
"I’m okay, Rei-chan." He simply replied, "I just… I fell asleep late yesterday, and um… I still have to completely wake up."  
Rei was puzzled. “Then why didn’t you sleep a bit more? It is clearly way too soon, considering your daily routine.”  
Nagisa simply shrugged, desiring to end the conversation as soon as possible, while the usual little voice was yelling inside of him. He’s worrying about you!  
Rei didn’t seem convinced at all, but as he always did, he dropped it as soon as he realized his blond friend didn’t want to talk. And there would be a more appropriate time today.  
For example, when they walked back home as usual, Nagisa trying to speed forward without waiting for Rei, who inevitably caught up with him, also bothered by that sudden behavior.  
"Nagisa-kun! Wait!" He called, making Nagisa stop. The blond halted and turned to look at him, sighing.  
"Generally you are the one running after me… that is unusual," Rei commented, panting. "What’s going on? You are acting very oddly today."  
Nagisa sighed, his jaws twitching. A lot was going on, and it had all happened within a day, but he didn’t feel like sharing any of it, so he just kept silent.  
"Hey, Nagisa-kun, look at me," the brunet tried again, grabbing his wrist. Nagisa did, despite himself, and he sighed deeply as he met Rei’s concerned look.  
"I told you, I’m fine. I don’t need you worrying about me,” Nagisa retorted, coldly, as he broke free and turned again.  
Now Rei was really concerned. That was completely out of character for his friend, and that worried him to no end. He followed him again, and called him out.  
"Listen, I’m sorry if I’ve done anything to upset you…" he started, the concern plainly showing on his face.  
"You did nothing! I’m fine! This isn’t about you, not everything is about you, Rei-chan!" Nagisa finally snapped, wishing he could just get it over with, or better yet, just stop yelling at himself that Rei was worried about him, that he cared, that he could just be told everything, that Nagisa had been in love for three years and falling asleep every night thinking of him. That it was more than a crush.

Rei looked at him with hurt deep down in his eyes, as he tightened the grasp around Nagisa’s wrist. “But there is something! Let me help you, Nagisa-ku…”  
"I don’t need your help, Rei. I don’t need it. I don’t need you,” Nagisa snapped once again, then he realized what he’d just said. “I-I mean… this… is my problem to deal with. I’m sorry, I’m just really upset,” he apologetically kept on, blushing, his attitude turning back to normal. He could accept anything, but seeing that look of betrayal Rei was rightfully giving him. “I’m sorry,” he then whispered, thinking he’d been uttering those words far too much lately. Still, he really was. Rei wasn’t supposed to be in the middle of it, and Nagisa was supposed to act no different towards him. But that plan had, clearly, burnt to ashes from the very beginning.  
Rei just looked at him, pained, and sighed. “I’m just worried about you. Can’t you at least tell me what your problem is?” He asked, trying to conceal his own hurt.  
Nagisa shook his head, sighing. “No, not really. But I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about it,” he replied in a low voice, trying to convey that he was sorry, because he was. “It’s just… something stupid. But I’m fine, really.”  
As he turned his head around, he looked, and Haruka was there.

Haruka had been walking home when he heard shouting and sounds of shuffling feet. In a moment’s time, he saw the blond he loved so much fighting with Rei, the guy he was having a hard time being near by.  
He watched as it went down, and he wondered if these words were coming from Nagisa were true. Had he impacted his feelings after all, if even a little? When Nagisa caught him eavesdropping, his expression tightened ever so slightly.  
"Hey," he said, trying to break the tension. It was kind of awkward, really. Nagisa was supposed to be his boyfriend now, and there he was, with Rei. Something inside of him stirred unpleasantly.  
"Haruka-senpai?" Rei called, his face twisting into an expression of confusion.  
He didn’t know how Rei felt towards Nagisa. He had only told Nagisa what he wanted to be true. That him and Rei would never be a thing. That Rei wasn’t worthy of Nagisa, like he himself was. He walked up to Nagisa, his face remaining passive and blank. His eyes reflected the emotions he was battling inside, like a violent, quiet war with himself, full of envy and pain.  
He snatched Nagisa’s wrist, and he stared straight in Rei’s eyes, and said, “He’s mine.”  
Rei frowned, more and more confused. What was going on? One day Nagisa was acting just like he always had, the next he was cold and conflicted and even treating him with contempt. He tried to think of something he might have done to upset him, but he honestly could not.  
Nagisa felt some sort of relief when Haruka appeared, but then worried about him hurting Rei any further. He wanted anything but that. And he didn’t know how to explain, not that he owed any sort to explanation to Rei, but he still thought it was worth clarifying the situation for him. He didn’t know how to do it with words, oddly and for once, so he simply acted, grabbing Haruka’s nape and pulling him close to kiss, roughly, snapped his hand free and intertwined their fingers instead.  
It all looked so weird to Rei. It looked like some weird dream he’d be brushing off in the morning. Nagisa had never shown any particular interest in Haruka-senpai, if anything he’d seemed more interested in… well, the swimming club as a whole. So that kiss popped out from nowhere for him, thus he blinked surprised at it.  
"Ah. Okay, I, um, I get it," he commented, some things somehow turning clear. Nagisa getting someone to share his life with was good news to him, but he had just seemed so miserable the entire day. Wasn’t he supposed to look happy, even cheerier than usual? Everything about the situation was so odd he didn’t even know where to begin from.  
Nagisa sighed, looking in Haruka’s eyes and whispering, “yeah, I’m yours now. Don’t hurt Rei-chan, okay?” He asked, worried. But something pleasant also stirred up inside him as he did. Someone was jealous of someone else over him. It was a new situation to be in, and he found it… well, flattering. He kissed Haruka again, gentler, and desperately tried to feel something else, maybe something new, but nothing particularly different was there. Just some sort of loyalty that came with the concept of being with someone.  
Haruka wasn’t expecting to be kissed so suddenly, but he recovered from his surprise and returned it smoothly, as if they had done this for years, as if all of this wasn’t new to him at all. He was pleased that Nagisa did this right in front of Rei, only verifying his point even more so.  
But he also considered the fact that Nagisa was only doing this to make Rei jealous. The idea of that hurt his heart, but he kept kissing him, kissing him… loving how he tasted. He wondered how he had ever lived without knowing the taste of Nagisa lingering on his tongue. It was almost as wonderful as mackerel.

When they broke the kiss off, he stared down at the blond, quiet. His eyes glimmered, and he wanted to take him home again to his bed right then. But, Nagisa requested a promise…  
That was something he could not promise. He wasn’t sure if he was capable of hurting someone, not terribly, but he wanted Rei to hurt. He couldn’t promise he wouldn’t hurt Rei, so instead of saying anything at all, he kept his silent stare that could be read as a yes, no, or maybe so.  
Rei was feeling like a bother to both of them, and he realized he was also staring, so he blushed and blinked, snapping back to reality.  
"Ah, I see. Well, I hope both of you are happy," he commented out loud, with a friendly smile. He genuinely wanted the best for Nagisa, and even though maybe he didn’t look at all happy, it was perhaps a circumstantial feeling.  
Nagisa looked at him, his love popping up once again and warming him up, but he shook it off with a smile. “Thank you, Rei-chan. Um, and about today… I was just worried because me and Haru-chan had a fight yesterday, you see?” He lied, realizing how much sense that would make to an external onlooker.  
And Rei nodded, chuckling. “Oh, I get it. Well, happy that it got fixed… it did, right?” He asked, showing concern once again.  
Nagisa wanted to cry all of a sudden. On one hand, because Rei was so nice, so gentle and understanding. On the other, because he didn’t show any sign of jealousy at all. Rei didn’t love him, it was exactly like Haruka had said the day before. He had always doubted about it, thinking that maybe Rei felt the same things the blond did and was only better at hiding it, but now it was plain to see that it wasn’t true at all. Rei cared, simply as a friend would. Nagisa’s gaze lowered as he blushed, and he smiled once again, a couple of tears prickling in his eyes. He nodded, grinning as wide and bright as he could, before turning and dragging Haruka with him, leaving behind nothing more than a quick ‘bye’. Once they were out of sight, he burst in tears, wrapping his arms around the taller.  
“Haru-chan…”

Haruka didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Nagisa then. He held him close to his chest, one hand going to his head to guide it to his own shoulder. He listened to his sobs that had been so quiet before gradually getting louder and louder. He had a wail kind of cry, and all he did was hold him. He pet his rumbled blond hair, hoping to help in someway.  
This was only a step forward, however, in Haru’s eyes. Soon, Nagisa would be over Rei. Soon, they’d be a couple for real. He couldn’t wait. Yet, now, his heart broke with Nagisa’s, because he understood his pain to greatly. They just had different ways to act upon it, different ways to suffer by it.  
He closed his eyes and pressed his lips on the top of Nagisa’s head, to let him know he was always there for him. Even though he was a bit possessive, and Nagisa was a bit childish, he wanted them to work out. Even though his heart had been broken by this boy one too many times, he wanted to mend it and be with him.  
He wanted this more than life itself.

Nagisa held tight while he let it all out, grasped on Haruka’s shirt desperately, and kept on crying for a few minutes until he felt empty, his face all red and wet, feeling like he was the image of pathetic itself. And yet Haruka was still there, so he looked up at him, for the first time filled with gratefulness, then he whined, “thank you, Haru-c-chan.” He still sobbed softly for a little while, but eventually he calmed down, but his heart still quietly ached. He suddenly was feeling distressed, and he just hugged Haruka quietly, seeking for comfort.  
"Did you always feel like this because of… me?" He asked, in a low, guilty voice, while he looked for a hiding place for his face on Haruka’s neck. He still wasn’t used to his smell, but being hugged felt good.  
Haruka continued to pet his head, to try and reassure him.  
"Yeah," he admitted. He never cried, not really. He wasn’t the type to cry so easily. He mostly kept it bottled up, and sulked every now and then. He always let his own thoughts consume him, and take over his dreams until they became nightmares.  
That must have been why all the sudden he let it all out, and now because he did, all of this was happening.  
"I won’t hurt you," he promised then. "I won’t."  
Nagisa nodded, nuzzling his head on Haruka’s shoulder. “I know. I’m sorry, Haru-chan.” He looked up at him and kissed his cheek, then nodded. “Alright, I… I think I’m feeling better now.”  
His fingers trailed down to catch Haruka’s hand, as he wiped his cheeks with the other, and he blinked a little taking a few deep breaths.  
"I don’t… cry often. I just… it broke me. Having proof that I’m nothing but a friend to… him." He looked down, and sighed painfully. However, he also felt like he could work to get over it from here.  
Haruka held Nagisa’s hand back and squeezed it softly. It was a gentle squeeze that didn’t say much.  
"You’ll be fine. You got me." He gave Nagisa a tiny smile. He hoped he would see that one day.  
Nagisa nodded, and sighed feeling quite reassured, in fact.  
"Your place again?" He asked, smirking a bit teasingly. "I mean, I know I look like trash right now…" he added, self-conscious of how swollen his eyes looked and how puffy and red his face was. Still, he figured they’d probably end up talking or doing homework anyway.  
"Sure," Haruka said. He began to walk into that direction, not letting go of his hand.  
He had a feeling now that Nagisa and him were a “thing”, it would probably get awkward at swim practice and school. He wondered what Makoto and Rin would think. He found that he didn’t care.

When they got to his house, he let Nagisa in first and he shut the door behind them.  
Nagisa let the backpack fall on Haru’s sofa and immediately trotted to the bathroom to wash his face, the fresh water clearing his thoughts up. Alright, so first thing first, they’d need to do homework. He hoped Haruka was in the mood for it, because the younger’s grades had been fluctuating recently, and he wanted to butt out of Iwami as soon as possible. Maybe even abroad. And he wanted to do it with a decent overall school career.  
He went back and smiled at Haruka, taking his books out and sighing. “God, I hate school.”  
Haruka looked up at him, seeing the water on his face and clinging to the strands of his hair. He tensed for a moment, then he looked away.  
"Me too." He had skipped the opening ceremony, after all. He did this every year. He felt like school was a waste of his time, but now that he had the swim club to look forward to, he could make himself get through it.  
So they spent the rest of the afternoon studying, Nagisa making a mess with papers and books as he was used to, and he ended up distracting himself, relishing in the lack of Rei’s scolding. It was bad to goof off during study time, but he couldn’t help it. Eventually, he half assed through his homework, slamming the books closed immediately after he was done scribbling, and crossed his arms on the table. He yawned, while he nuzzled his forehead on his arms.  
Haruka hadn’t really studied at all. Instead, he was doodling in his notebook. This wasn’t the one he brought to school for notes and to draw ideas for the club posters. It held personal thoughts and ideas.  
When Nagisa closed the books, he closed his notebook and glanced at him. “Finally done?”  
Nagisa nodded, sighing. “Yeah… well, more or less. I don’t think I’ll remember anything by tomorrow, but…” he trailed off, shrugging. “At least I can say I tried.”  
He glanced at Haruka, scruffing his own hair. The day was far from over. “We could do something, mh?”  
Haruka re-positioned himself then, and leaned down to kiss Nagisa on the mouth. It was a quick kiss, and he pulled back before the other could react.  
"Yeah, we could do something."  
Nagisa blinked, blushing slightly and then smirking, nodding. He stood, diving his fingers through Haruka’s hair, while kissing him again. “Yeah, huh” he whispered, pressing against the other’s body, teasingly.  
He was allowed to have fun now, right? And kissing felt good. Better than he’d expected. He was like a kid entering a candy store for the first time. Just, the candy he’d tasted was also slightly bitter, not only sweet. He just needed to get used to it.  
Haruka grabbed Nagisa’s arms, a soft grasp, and kissed him again. He closed his eyes and figured he’d let the other have his way with him this time.  
He tried not to remember those blaring words: I used you. He tried to forget how they were only together now, like this, because he was his second choice. Someday, he knew, he would be chosen by Nagisa, first.  
And if Rei ever became an option, he would still choose him.

The next day was practice day, and Nagisa was feeling pretty nervous. Getting naked and wearing a swimsuit in front of everybody now did not feel normal, or casual anymore. He could feel Haruka’s eyes on him, and he felt a blush rise up to his cheeks, eventually looking back at him, with a soft smile. This was pretty awkward, but he pulled through anyway.  
What he did not notice was Rei’s gaze fixed on him, insistently, as he strutted out.

Rei was feeling bothered. At first he had been pretty neutral about Nagisa and Haruka being a thing, but it did not really hit him until he found himself studying alone, and weirdly missing Nagisa’s mess.  
Haruka’s words, ‘he’s mine,’ had been ringing in his ear for hours after meetig Nagisa and Haruka. He wanted to at least talk to his friend, but looked at him just walk to the pool without a word.  
Haruka dived into the water with a loud splash and he vanished freely under the surface. He let the water take over his thoughts, for just awhile. He wanted to focus on swimming.  
Rei, during this time, sat down next to Nagisa who was currently taking a break on a bench. Practice was about over by now, Haruka was still swimming, and Makoto and Gou were discussing. Probably something along training regimens and times.  
"How are you and Haruka-senpai?” he asked, almost hesitant. He didn’t look at the blond. He felt… almost awkward. Something in him just wasn’t accepting the fact that his two friends were dating. It eluded him what that reason could be.  
Nagisa tensed up, suddenly nervous. Right, he had feelings for Rei, he’d almost forgotten about that…  
"Good," he replied curtly, just keeping it at that.  
Rei noticed his tone, and also thought that sounded wrong, so he leaned closer. “Are you sure? Did you fight again?” He pressed, finding out he sort of hoped that was a right assumption.  
Nagisa turned to him, sensing something that was irritating him, even though he couldn’t exactly pinpoint what, and he shook his head. “No, as a matter of fact no, we didn’t. Actually, we’ve been studying and having sex, yesterday.”  
He knew the topic embarrassed his friend, and he thought that would be enough to shut him up before he’d say something he would regret. As a matter of fact, Rei did blush, but he also frowned, that uncomfortable feeling growing in his chest, even though he did not know what that was and why it had suddenly popped up, but he was not going to ignore it.  
"Well, it doesn’t look like you’re happy. I’m just worried about you, Nagisa-kun. You don’t look like you’re in love."  
Nagisa bit down on his lip, looking at Haruka swimming and ending up not replying. He had so many things to say, but none of them was appropriate, and none of them sounded gentle. So he just stood and dived back into the pool, leaving Rei there, with his questions unanswered. Rei hated puzzles he couldn’t figure out.

Haruka sensed Nagisa swimming in the pool now. Immediately, he felt stronger and better. He remembered the events from last night too well then that even he got a little distracted.  
He reached the other end of the pool and broke the surface to breathe in some air. He shook his hair from side to side, and looked up to see Rei watching him. He narrowed his eyes at the other, mostly because now Rei was walking right up to him.  
"Nagisa-kun isn’t telling me what’s wrong," he began. "Is there something going on between you two?" Rei tried to forget how Nagisa had bluntly announced that they had sex last night. He tried to forget how much it unsettled him to imagine it even more so.  
"No, nothing’s wrong," Haruka replied curtly. He glared at Rei, for only for a second, before he ducked back under the water and swam off.  
Rei watched him hopelessly.  
Nagisa had noticed, and he wondered what was up with Rei now. Once he got to the same side of the pool as Haruka, he looked at him, frowning and whispering.  
"What did he want?"  
He sort of knew, but he didn’t know why he’d suddenly started asking questions. One part of him silently hoped he was honestly concerned about them. The other was raging at the remote idea that Rei might be jealous. No, he couldn’t be, he couldn’t only start seeing him that way now that he was starting to get over it. Nagisa was pretty much done with wanting people he couldn’t have. There’s just so much pain you can take before you detach yourself from its source.  
Haruka looked at him, and then away. “Nothing.”  
He didn’t know what Rei wanted, but that look in his purple eyes… gave him an idea. Rei wasn’t happy with Nagisa’s choice. He furrowed his eyebrows at the idea that Rei might actually care about Nagisa in such a way.  
He didn’t have anything against Haru, so it couldn’t be that.  
Nagisa pushed the thought away until after practice, when it could bug him without disturbing his performance, and then he immediately looked for Haruka. He wanted to cling onto him. All of a sudden, he was afraid of another breakdown. When he found him, in the locker room, he blushed and spoke to him again.  
"It’s bothering me, Haru-chan."  
He looked around, and Rei was nowhere to be seen, so he just sat down, holding his head between his hands, and took a deep sigh, finally showing how upset he was.

Something in Rei’s attitude had been bothering him and the sort of vague balance he had finally achieved, only talking to him had made him waver on his uphill battle to finally get over him once and for all. He wouldn’t cry, though. Not again, not in front of Haruka, and not because of Rei. He was exhausted of doing that.  
But as they walked together out of the pool, Rei was there waiting for them. Well, waiting for Nagisa… he only looked briefly at Haruka.  
"We need to talk, Nagisa-kun."  
Nagisa’s heart skipped a beat, and he clenched his fists. “No, we don’t,” he replied, his chest thumping. He instinctively caught Haruka’s hand, walking forward, while he tried to get past the other. But Rei caught his wrist.  
Haruka knew it was bothering him. He knew Nagisa better than anyone else. He knew it from the way he spoke, the way he looked, the way he avoided eye contact. His heart constricted in his chest at the idea that Nagisa was still affected by Rei.  
When Rei showed up after practice, Haruka wasn’t surprised. It was as if he expected it. He noticed that the other wasn’t even acknowledging him, and skipped right to the blond instead.  
Nagisa spoke for the both of them. He agreed in his silent way, and as Nagisa grabbed his hand, he was being led off.  
But then Rei stopped them. “Nagisa-kun, please, just listen!”  
Nagisa pulled away, frowning. “What do you want from me?” He snapped, his eyes both angry and sad.  
"Why are you avoiding me?" Rei asked, calmly, knowing that would be a proper response to Nagisa’s emotional defense. And that pushed a button inside of the blond. He clenched his fist, silenced, with bitterness boiling up inside of him.  
He loved Rei for his calmness too. And he hated himself for loving him. And he hated him for, fundamentally, dangling his existence in front of Nagisa for years, but he couldn’t blame him. He was so painfully unaware. But then again, he couldn’t just spit out that he’d been in love since the first day he’d met him, for no reason other than he’s perfect.  
Haruka stepped between the two. His gaze was dark as he looked at Rei, who was taller than him.  
"Leave him alone about it," he demanded. "If Nagisa doesn’t want to talk about it, leave it be!" He was so frustrated. He hated when people did this, and tried to pry in other’s lives.  
His glare suggested trouble. If Rei didn’t shut up and leave, he would protect Nagisa.  
Rei saw something in Haruka’s eyes, and he frowned. “Since when can’t Nagisa-kun speak for himself?”  
Nagisa’s fists both clenched harder now, and he hissed. “Mind your own business, Rei.”  
The other blinked, surprised by the lack of honorifics. And then Nagisa shoved Haruka aside, pushing on Rei’s chest a few times. “Mind your own business, leave me alone, I don’t care how you feel. I don’t care about what you have to say. Just leave me alone. Leave Haru-chan alone. Leave us alone.”  
That felt like a punch in the guts for both, but Nagisa hid it better. His eye twitched, and he grabbed Haruka’s hand again. He knew he was going to cry again, but he forced himself not to. He just left Rei there, to touch his chest confused and hurt, dragged Haruka away, just away from him, where he could be himself again. He walked for a long time, silently, then burst in the middle of the street.  
"Why? Why am I so upset?"  
He looked back at Haru, his eyes watering again, but he choked his tears back. “I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry. You… thanks.” He was babbling at this point, and he realized it so he just shut up, shaking from head to toe. He hated that Rei could still affect him that much. And all he could feel right now was hatred. For himself, for his crush, for the entire situation.  
Haruka stared down at the ground. He could hear the very second Nagisa’s heart began to break, and now his own heart was, too. He didn’t want to see the other so upset. And over what? Foolish Rei.  
He wanted to suggest that perhaps he should just talk to Rei, and get it over with, that way they could move on faster. But he didn’t want Rei to be alone with Nagisa. He didn’t want Nagisa to have anything to do with him. He frowned.  
"Let’s go," he said, his voice low and calm. He walked ahead of Nagisa, keeping his thoughts quiet in his own head.  
Nagisa’s thoughts were all dark, and spoilt, and bitter, and he wanted them to stop. He wanted to go back to smiling, to not feel so intensely, to just curl into a ball and shut the world outside. He followed Haruka instead, up until the point where he couldn’t stand just passively being dragged around.  
"I should’ve told him," he suddenly said, looking down. "I should’ve told him everything. He’s so oblivious. I should’ve… just told him instead of yelling, right?"  
He paused for a couple of seconds, and sighed. “I’ll tell him.”  
Haruka stopped in his tracks and he looked at Nagisa, frowning. “What?”  
He couldn’t believe what he just said. “No,” he snarled, a flash of anger touching his expression. He wouldn’t allow this. He grabbed Nagisa’s wrist, and pulled him closer.  
"Rei will only hurt you!"  
Nagisa scoffed, shaking his head. “He already did, unintentionally. But I owe it to him. What if you’d never stepped up and told me? I would’ve kept hurting you without knowing. The same goes for him.”  
And then he willingly stepped closer, staring into Haruka’s eyes. “But I have every intention of being with you. No need to be aggressive about it.”  
Haruka stared back, his eyes showing the fear he felt. He slowly let go of his wrist.  
"Sorry… I’ll wait here, then." He turned away, staring at the ground. He just focused on those words, on how Nagisa intended to be with him. He would just concentrate on it. He sounded so sure…  
Nagisa cupped both his cheeks, kissing him softly, before turning around and running back. His heart was heavy like a rock, but he had to confess. He had to stop this. As soon as he spotted Rei, he rushed to him, talking before the other could say anything or react in any way.  
"I’ve been in love with you since the first time we met when you wanted nothing to do with me, and it’s been bothering me for three years so to make things short I’ve always been looking at you like you’re my sun and I’ve always wanted to get over it because you don’t feel like that about me and I know it and respect it and now I’m with Haru-chan and I’m trying to get over it, it’s all that’s happening and you don’t need to worry about me, I’ll be fine. Also, sorry. I’m incredibly sorry. I was upset. I hope you’ll forgive me."  
He almost didn’t breathe while saying all that, and he took a couple of steps back, breathing again and then blushing violently.  
Rei just blinked, trying to process all that information. It turned out to be a lot to take in, since he’d always been thinking Nagisa was just really clingy. But this put things in another perspective.  
"You’re… sure, you’re forgiven, Nagisa-kun. I had no idea, as a matter of fact, but this explains a lot."  
He did not mention his own feelings, not yet. He didn’t have a chance to, anyway, even if he had wanted to.  
Nagisa just smiled a little, apologetically, and then ran the opposite direction, without turning back, going to meet back up with Haruka.

The latter couldn’t hide his relief when he saw Nagisa returning. He smiled at him, his heart leaping inside. He couldn’t tell if Nagisa had told him, or if he felt better if he had.  
"What happened?" he asked, trying to hold the edge out of his voice. He looked at him, waiting curiously. He hoped now Nagisa would be able to move on properly.  
Nagisa smiled, leaping and hugging him, sighing. “I told him. And I feel so free.” He ran his fingers through Haruka’s hair, finally starting to feel somewhat okay. He could let go. He could build something, for once. Once he let go of Haru, he smiled like he once used to, meaning it, and sighed. “It’s been embarrassing, like really embarrassing, but… it’s done. Now I’m free to try and be with you.” He added, blushing, and grasped Haruka’s shirt. “Thanks for waiting for me.”  
Haruka held him close, still smiling. Being free could mean many things, and this was one of them. His heart swelled with the thought that Nagisa was free, too.  
"I always waited," he said. Perhaps quite impatiently, but he had waited nonetheless. "My place again?"  
He touched his face with his hand, his fingertips soft against his skin.  
Nagisa smiled, while he grabbed that hand. He nodded, giving the other boy a serene look.  
"Yeah."  
He swung their hands held together back and forth while walking, blabbering about nothing, school, swimming tournaments, things he’d seen on the internet, suddenly stopped to pet a cat, and did so with a happy expression. He knew Haruka was listening. He assumed they had both slipped back into their first year personalities, with one difference being that they would be spending more time together.  
Haruka smiled at Nagisa, watching how cute he was being. It warmed him up quite well. He loved being with him like this. He swore, if anything were to happen between them that was more than this, his life would be complete.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haru >> [dramaticallyfree](http://dramaticallyfree.tumblr.com)/[harukashipshimselfwithwater](http://harukashipshimselfwithwater.tumblr.com)  
> Nagisa>> [nagisapenguindrum](http://nagisapenguindrum.tumblr.com)

In a few days, he returned to school. He was hoping he wouldn’t run into Rei, but he realized that of course they would. They had swim practice, after all. He stared out the window of his classroom, waiting for the bell to sound to start the day. 

Things were going to be so awkward for now on.

Nagisa, instead, worked to patch things up with Rei. They were still going to be friends and team mates, after all. He slowly creeped back in the other’s daily routine, acting like he used to, friendly and cheerful.

Rei realized that. All in all he found it comforting, because now Nagisa’s cards were on the table, and he did not want to play them wrong. He let the blond get close again, and found out it was not awkward at all. He figured knowing about someone’s crush for you would make interactions weird, but knowing about it only made them more natural. Nagisa was also pretty comfortable, knowing he had nothing to hide anymore, so he just acted as a friend. His love was still there, but it did not have a leash anymore. He could show it pretty freely, through looks and smiles and words, only making sure he wouldn’t push himself too far. 

And Rei found himself wishing he would. It was odd, definitely confusing, but he enjoyed the warmth of Nagisa’s attitude, that he would show only to him. He knew that now him and Haruka were together, but still he desired to get closer.

 

A week passes, and the swim practices seemed to be going alright. Haruka still felt protective and awkward, but Rei and Nagisa seemed to have pushed it over. He hoped that meant that they could still be friends.

After their swimming was finished, Haruka leaned over to give Nagisa a quick kiss, and then another that lasted longer with a bit of tongue finding its way between their lips. “See you tomorrow.” He smiled, and left to go home after Makoto reached him since he had exited later.

 

Rei had waited outside of school for Nagisa to get out, and when he saw the blond, he rushed over to him.

"Nagisa-kun," he started outright. He had a blush tinting his cheeks, and he adjusted his glasses, simply out of habit. "I just.. wanted to give you a choice."

He was quiet for a moment, trying to make himself look right into the other’s eyes. “If you want to be with me, instead of Haruka-senpai… I would love that.”

Nagisa stared at him, his brows furrowing slightly, and hoped he’d heard him wrong. His lips parted, but he could not say anything that would make sense, so he just took a couple of steps back, passing his fingers through his own hair. Eventually he gathered enough of himself to speak.

"Why now? Why now that… I was starting to get over you?" He could not even really feel anything, mostly because he was feeling so much right now his mind could not process one specific mood. He was just dumbfounded, his ears even ringing. "Why put me in this position now? Do you like torturing me? Are you only saying it because now I’m with someone?”

His heart was beating fast. He would have said yes in the blink of an eye, obviously, but his mind also immediately ran to Haruka, to the trust he’d accepted to grant him. And he could not just break it like that. His head shook, and he clenched his fists. “I can’t answer. Because I would say yes, but I think Haru-chan deserves more consideration than this.”

He was very, very confused.

Rei looked a little saddened, not because of what Nagisa was saying, that he was about over him, but because of Haruka. He didn’t want to hurt him, but he felt like Nagisa deserved to make choices when they were given.

"You told me that you got together with Haruka-senpai because you wanted to like him and get over me," Rei began. "But you never even gave me a chance to figure out my own feelings!”

He looked away, adjusting his glasses again. “Nagisa-kun, I keep seeing you with Haruka-senpai, and I just… get all of these strange emotions. I always thought feeling such things was illogical, but then again, I thought swimming as a sport was, too, but here I am now.”

Rei was trying to keep his voice calm and cool, like he always tried to, but it was hard. He didn’t want Nagisa to know how terrified he was right then. His heart was racing, his blood rushing in his veins. He returned his gaze to Nagisa, his purple eyes glimmering.

"I like you, Nagisa-kun. That’s the conclusion I have come to. And… I’m not asking you to leave Haruka-senpai… I just want to let you know that you have the choice to pick me."

He would give Nagisa time to consider it, but perhaps, he would be too late anyway.

 

Nagisa kept staring, his heart pounding. What to do? He’d been dreaming something like that for years, in his stupid teenage daydreams that sounded so much like shōjo manga he’d always been ashamed to even think about them. Something was wrong with him, with Rei, with all of them. His feelings were wrong, denying them or acknowledging them was wrong, and he found himself not caring while he cupped a hand on Rei’s cheek, his eyes fixating in the other’s blue, and his body acted for him, as he raised slightly on his toes. He got close enough to feel Rei’s breath on his chin, to pass his fingers through the other’s hair as he fantasized about doing so many times. “No turning the offer back then,” he whispered instead, lowering his head. And then he raised it again, shutting down everything while he kissed the other furiously, both his hands tight on Rei’s cheeks, closing his eyes while exploding inside. All the wishes he had were condensed in that moment, and he just wanted time to stop there and then, with his lips pressed on Rei’s, his body moving closer, his mind completely overridden by irrationality. 

Rei held his breath as soon as Nagisa touched his face. He wasn’t used to being touched in such a way, with Nagisa’s hands through his hair, caressing his face. He liked it… and he felt himself, aching to be closer then. To hold him in his arms. To just be with him.

And then the shorter kissed him. His whole body felt electrified by this kiss, and he wasn’t sure if he should return it.

Contrarily to what Nagisa would have wanted, time did not stop, and he found himself separating from him, his eyes glistening, his chest pounding hard, and then everything dawned on him. _Haru_ , his trust, Rei. He started shaking, covering his face. _Fuck adolescence_ , he thought. He’d fucked up big time, and he knew the first thing he’d do would be telling Haruka. There was no other scenario for him. So he just turned around without a word, speeding away with blood racing through his body, his thoughts mixing, fighting, and then disappearing. Rei stared at him, with a pounding heart and a confused expression thrown on his face, wondering what that was all about. So, he had his first kiss. He hoped, so badly then, that Nagisa would choose him.

The blond went straight back home, ignored his mother’s call, and locked the door. First thing first, he’d need to recollect the mess he had turned into.

 

He spent the rest of the day thinking, trying to be as rational as possible. He had a choice. He could bail out now. He could be with Rei. And still, he felt that something had bloomed inside of him, a feeling that belonged to Haruka, something that went beyond his body’s want. He had been born to be with Rei, in his opinion, but he deeply cared about Haruka’s feelings as well. He knew Haruka loved him. He knew he had tried being patient and giving him time. He had given him time and space to make his choices, against all odds, and now Nagisa couldn’t think about rewarding him with a stab right through the heart. He cared. He wanted to be as sensitive as possible about it, but how do you tell someone who’s been having their hopes held high that everything they’ve worked for was, ultimately, only leading things to shatter them? Because he had an idea of how telling him would make him feel. He could relate so well. And the next day creeped up on him. He avoided looking at Rei even though his gaze was so insistent he could feel it, and dreaded the moment he would have to meet Haruka.

That moment came at the end of the school day, and he thought, _this it it_. He’d have to find the right words, at some point, because he knew he was going to spill it before getting back home.

Haruka was walking alongside Nagisa after school. If Nagisa had shown different signs, he didn’t notice, mostly because they didn’t have any classes together and there was no swim practice tonight.

He expected them to head to his house again, to play around and get tangled up in each other, knots of bare flesh and legs and arms. He could feel the heat rising in his face at the thought of it. He liked being close to Nagisa in such a way. 

 

But then the blond stopped in his tracks, and so Haruka did too, a few steps ahead. He turned around to face him, his eyebrows creased curiously.

"What is it?" he asked.

Nagisa’s eyes were staring at the ground like a portal had appeared, inviting, ready to drag him to another dimension: another world where he would not have to face Haruka. But there was no way to escape, so he looked up at him, covering their distance with a few light steps, and grabbed his hand only to drag him some place that wasn’t the middle of the street. He cornered himself against a wood fence, then let go of Haruka’s hand. His expression was grave, pained even, his voice shook - easy to notice - as he finally spoke bluntly against his own sensitivity telling him to be delicate abut it, after he had spent the entire time uncharacteristically silent. “ _I love Rei_. I love him. I love him so much I can’t hold it back anymore. I kissed him.” He paused, letting those words sink in as he lowered his pink eyes, ashamed. “I’m horrible, and I didn’t know how to tell you this. I’m sorry. You can punch me, or… whatever.” 

He knew that confession sucked from start to finish, it was the opposite of sensitive or delicate and all the words he’d rehearsed had vanished in his mind at once.

"I’m sorry," he repeated, merely a weak chirp against the wind that was suddenly blowing on them.

At first, Haruka felt nothing. When Nagisa spoke his confession, it was like the world had stopped, and he went completely numb. He imagined the blond kissing Rei, and Rei kissing back… being intimate in the way he and Nagisa had only been. Haruka had opened himself to him and him only, and showed his weaker side, had shared his mind and body.

And he threw it all away just like that? For a person like Rei? Someone who didn’t even realize how Nagisa had felt, and made the blond feel so terrible for so long? It made absolutely no sense to him.

Second, Haruka felt the pain. It was like a knife stabbing into his heart. He couldn’t breathe, as if his throat was being clogged with blood from the wound, and his heart was about to stop. He felt like he was going to die on the spot, and he wouldn’t mind if he really had.

Lastly, he was angry. The pain that showed in his eyes so terribly one moment was replaced with a burning rage. His brows furrowed, and he spoke, very lowly, “So you’re giving up on us, then, huh.” It wasn’t a question. A statement.

"I did everything for you!" he said, his voice raising. "I love you… I loved you first! Don’t you realize how important you are to me, Nagisa? You’re supposed to be mine.”

 

Nagisa kept silent for a bit, and then an equal sort of rage rose through him as he looked back at Haruka, eyes prickling. But he wouldn’t cry this time. 

"I did all I could, Haru-chan. I accepted to be with you because I wanted to try and see if it could work out, but clearly it doesn’t. I have feelings for you, yeah, but… I love Rei more. I’m sorry this is all messed up, but I can’t pretend to be happy in this… whatever this is," he replied, gesturing to both of them, "when the person I want just told me I have a choice. And I’ll take it, because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Again, I’m sorry, and I can imagine how that feels, but I thought telling you would be better than cheating… further than a kiss. So please, just accept that it’s over. I’ll try and find a way to make it up to you. I care so much about you, Haru-chan, but that cannot trump me and what could actually make me happy. And to be with you just for sex, that would be a disservice for you as well.”

He held his gaze into Haruka’s eyes, trying not to plead silently, but he did. He could not fix feelings, he could not make it all okay right now, but he had to say what he thought.

"Also, I’m not literally yours. I’m not your fucktoy. I’m not a little slave you can own. Get over yourself."

That came off a bit crueler than he intended to, but he’d been holding that point back far too long. And then he looked away, waiting for whatever reaction. Being beaten, being yelled at louder, being pushed against the fence, he was ready.

Haruka literally let out a distressed noise from his mouth, like a sharp, small gasp. He had not expected Nagisa to ever say such a thing. He just stared at him now, with wide eyes, full of pain. He never expected this…

"N-Nagisa," he whispered. He could hardly speak now. He took a step back, he could no longer look at him. He had to look away, to try and be calm. He was in so much pain, and it was showing in his eyes, he knew. 

Did he really think that’s what their relationship meant? Was that _really_ how Nagisa felt towards him? He claimed to care for him, but how could anyone do something like this to someone they care for? How could they say such cruel things if they truly did?

Simple answer: Nagisa didn’t.

He wanted to tell him, so badly, that no, that was not what he felt toward him. No, their relationship meant something else entirely. No, he just couldn’t forget about him so easily. No, he wouldn’t give him up over this.

But his mouth wouldn’t move, apart from the slight quiver of his lips, like he was holding back a cry or a sob. He didn’t want to hold it in, but he needed to, and so he did.

_I will possess your heart_ , he had told him, but all he did was draw him away further.

Nagisa flushed furiously, the silence between them like a thick wall of bricks, and what’s worst was, he saw it happening from miles away and just hoped it wouldn’t. 

"I’m sorry," he finally blurted out, starting to push Haruka gently away to go back home, possibly smash his head against a wall, and tell himself he’d fucked everything up till night would come. 

 

What he did, instead, was leaning against him, grabbing his shirt. He leaned his head on Haruka’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “I’m sorry, I really am. I know that’s not what you think of me. That’s just my projection on you. I’m terrible, and not good for you at all.”

He realized it as soon as he’d said it, while his heart sunk deeper.

Haruka stared down at him, not sure what to do anymore. All he wanted to do was being with Nagisa, but now, that was out of the question. He finally forced himself to speak,

"That’s not what you are to me." His voice was fragile, like it’d break any moment. "You are… the most important person in my life. I love you more than anyone and anything."

He wanted, he realized, just for Nagisa to realize this. He grabbed the blond’s wrists, and made him let go. He held them a moment too long, but to him, it wasn’t long enough. He finally let go, and averted his gaze.

"I couldn’t stand seeing you with… with Rei." He would probably quit going to swim practice, and practice on his own time. And deal with Rei at tournaments only. He didn’t want to even interact with him anymore.

Leaving him like that felt so bad Nagisa almost wished he could go back, do things differently, say no from the beginning or at any other point, because right now it felt like he was leaving him for something more comfortable when he’d been out of his depth the entire time. But the deed was done, Haruka’s heart had shattered, and it was his fault and responsibility. He wanted to give him something to just not make him mope about it, but he figured that would have happened anyway, and it would have been just worse for Haru. So he just nodded, knowing all of it was true, and walked away back home, quietly. 

 

[ _I want to be with you_.]

He sent Rei that simple message through phone, and closed his eyes. He leaned his head back against the wall, trying to imagine what the next days would be like. Probably not pleasant at all. He would get looked longingly at, and would just flee hand in hand with someone else. Makoto would ask what happened like he had done the whole time in the last few weeks, and Nagisa figured Haruka wouldn’t give him any useful reply. He hoped that his friend would eventually get over him, find someone else better than him. Someone who wouldn’t hurt him like he had just done.

 

The days after felt like a blizzard. Passing, blinding, cruel, cold, suffocating. Haruka didn’t know the hours apart from the minutes, or the days apart from the seconds. Every moment he was breathing, he felt like he was dying.

He never left his house. Instead, he just sulked around. He kept his door locked, and didn’t let anyone in. He curled in his bed at times, under his covers, and just focused on Nagisa’s lingering scent there. He would sometimes pretend that the blond was there, with him, kissing him, like they had done quite a few times before in this very bed. 

He felt sick.

Nagisa’s scent faded only after three days, and it was like none of it had ever happened. It was simply a memory. There would never be a future. He had no future now, without Nagisa in it.

He was scared to leave, because he knew if he saw Rei and Nagisa together, holding hands and doing what they had done, his passion would snap. Something dark in him would flicker, and he would probably do something he’d regret. He didn’t want that.

So he remained at his house, eating his mackerel that didn’t even seem to satisfy him anymore, and soaking up in his bath even though he missed the pool. Was this how a broken heart lived on? A painful heartbeat, a growing ache in his chest? He felt like he would be swallowed whole any moment.

 

The same next days, Nagisa was conflicted. He was over the moon any time Rei looked at him, touched him, and even though they did not do anything in particular yet, just kissing him turned a fire on in his whole body. That’s where he was supposed to be.

On the other hand, he immediately noticed Haruka’s absence. Makoto came up to him all worried and asked whether they knew what was going on, but Nagisa lied and shook his head. 

"If he won’t open the door, next time I’ll just take it off and walk in," he said frustrated. Nagisa did not doubt that for one second.

 

"I need to go check on Haru-chan," he later told Rei, as they were having lunch. 

"I’m coming with you," Rei immediately replied, looking up from his bento box. 

"No, really, you’re the last person who should be there," Nagisa sighed. "Besides… I made this mess, it’s all my fault. I should be the one to deal with it. 

"Haruka-senpai… did he love you? Really?" 

Nagisa looked down, his fingers fidgeting. 

"He does. He still does. I think part of it is obsession, but…" 

He remembered the gentleness in Haruka’s touch.

"… Yeah. That’s why I need to go and check out on him. It’s kinda my responsibility. 

Rei just glanced at him, deeply unsettled. “Alright.” 

So he walked back with him, eagerly kissed him as they parted ways, and Nagisa’s stomach was still filled with fuzzy, pleasant butterflies while he corrected his itinerary. By the time he got in front of Haruka’s door, they were gone. All he had right now was anxiety. He rang the doorbell and waited, but nothing at all would happen. He sighed, leaning his head against the door. “Haru-chan, it’s me. Open, please.”

Haruka heard the doorbell, but he didn’t move. He had just gotten out of the bathtub, and was drying his wet hair. He sighed inwardly to himself, and then, he heard Nagisa’s voice.

Something inside snapped.

He hadn’t heard Nagisa at all since they had split up, since Nagisa chose Rei over him, since everything went to Hell. Mostly Makoto had came over and tried to get him out, but that was just the type of person he was. Nagisa had avoided as much as he had.

He hesitated for several heartbeats, before he reached over and unlocked the door to open it. He looked at Nagisa with a soft frown on his face. His hair was still unkempt from drying it with a towel, which was now around his neck. He didn’t say a word.

Nagisa looked up at him, blushing and then gazing down. “I just… came over to see how you are. Can I come in? I thought you could use some company, even though I’m probably the last person who should be here. I just… I was worried,” he blabbered, his hands inside his pockets. He knew Haruka wasn’t okay, it had taken him one glance to know, but he just could not stay home happily texting Rei like he had always done - that had not changed in the slightest, in fact his relationship with Rei had undergone minimal changes, really - while knowing that Haruka was alone and suffering.

Haruka kept his hand on the door, and his fingers trembled slightly.

He felt like he should just slam the door in his face, and continue to be alone for awhile, until his heart could calm down, until he could be controlled, but that was not what he wanted.

He opened the door the rest of the way and stepped to the side to let Nagisa inside. Once he was, he shut the door and locked it. He didn’t want someone else barging in, like Makoto. Never knew when his friend would try and show up again. One person was enough for him right now.

Nagisa looked at him, trying his best not to look sorry. He took off his shoes and went to the living room, sitting down with his arms around his knees. He did not feel awkward or guilty, just sympathetic. He looked up at Haruka and sighed. 

"I also brought your homework." He added, pointing at the backpack near him. "Thought… you’d like to have them."

He paused, and shook his head. “Mako-chan told me he tried to come here and check out on you, but you didn’t open up. He said next time he would straight up take the door off, so I thought, um, you’d open for me and we could avoid that. Does he know about… us?” He asked, blushing slightly. He did not mind Makoto knowing. He would not have minded the most paternal figure among them being angry at him, because he deserved it. And also he wanted Haruka to vent with someone. Keeping things inside, he had learnt, was not healthy for anyone.

"I didn’t tell anyone," Haruka said, sitting across from him slowly. His movements were gentle but careful, as if he reconsidered what he was doing every moment.

He looked right into Nagisa’s eyes. “So you came here only because Makoto was worried?”

That was disheartening. He had hoped, for even for a fraction of a second, that Nagisa had chosen him. That he had changed his mind with his absence that he missed him and wanted to be with him instead.

Maybe that was the real reason he had kept himself separate from the world these past few days.

 

Nagisa understood what he meant, and passed his fingers through his own hair. 

"I came here because I still care about you, a lot. And I definitely still have feelings for you, I just… I’m not coming back, alright, I just happen to care about you very much and wanted to, you know… be there." He paused, and then added, "talking to no-one won’t make you feel better. And while this might not be good for you… I wanted to be a little with you, don’t know, maybe have a snack or something. But you can kick me out if you don’t want me here, I won’t blame you."

He looked down, his chin planted on his knees. He meant all of it. He did miss spending time with Haru. 

"At some point… I really wish we could go back to being friends. I miss it. But," he quickly concluded, "I understand if you don’t feel the same way."

Haruka sighed at his words. He just _wanted to be friends_. He saw it coming, of course, but he didn’t want to accept it.

"You expect me to just sit around and watch you date someone else? I can’t forget my feelings that easily." Nor could he forget how Nagisa felt, how he tasted, and how he had always held his hand. These were unforgettable memories: he wanted to be selfish and make more.

Nagisa shut up at that, at least for a bit, while he stared at Haruka’s parqueted floor. 

"I just… hoped you’d be over me, sooner or later. You… I really want you to be happy, Haru-chan. I just… I also want to be happy, myself. Besides, would it really make you happy being with me while knowing that I love someone else? It would just be terrible, for both of us. And I think I’m not special. And definitely, we’re not good for each other. Even though the sex was awesome, admittedly," he added, at this point having lost any filter, and then he blinked, flushing completely. "I-I mean, uh… I… my point is… my point is…"

He completely cracked and covered his face, realizing he’d brought up the same thing twice with no context to support it. That made him look like all he cared for was sex. “Shit. Just forget I said that.”

It was just so easy for him to open up to Haru, just as it had always been to do that with Rei.

Haruka watched Nagisa’s face flush and get all flustered over his own topic, and something in him stirred. He remembered how when he pinned him against the tree, and had his way with him, how he looked flustered then, how he went along with him then… 

 

He leaned over and reached out to brush his hair and then bring his hand down along his cheek, his fingers lingering on his jawline. His eyes never left his, a blazing blue that was sharp and focused on what he wanted.

"Nagisa," he said, his voice low, and almost dangerous. "I know you could love me someday. Instead of me trying to get over you, you could get over Rei." His fingers trailed down to his throat. He would never give up on Nagisa, no matter how broken he had become because of the blond. 

"We have more history, and we can have a bigger future." Haru’s lips turned into a wicked smirk, a small, nasty thing that had probably never been revealed to anyone before. "Besides, I haven’t shown you all that I can do yet."

Nagisa _stared_. 

 

He was generally known for his bubbly personality, his cheerful attitude and sensitivity, basically for being a so-called ‘good boy’. And he definitely did not like danger, or the look of it, but what had made him respond to Haruka’s kisses to begin with, when it all began, was that sort of look. It had made him lose control of himself, just click and go along with it. He had thought about it long and hard, about how weak his resolve could be if only one kind of attitude could make him act and make all his defenses lower. 

In this case, he just blushed harder and became a babbling mess as he tried to pull back, but he only immobilized, curling his fingers on the sofa and just staring. His mind blanked out for a moment there. 

"I-I have to go," he then whispered, taking Haru’s homework out and walking to the door, his heart racing.

Haruka leaned back to his original sitting position as Nagisa aruptly stood to his feet. He felt dumbfounded, and he watched him hurry to the door. His blank was cool and expressionless, almost as always, but his eyes had a certain sadness to them. He stared after the other, as if wishing he would turn around and come back.

He didn’t want him to go.

That wasn’t love, that was _lust_ Nagisa felt back there, and he knew it was completely, utterly wrong. That he should be scared or weirded out, but it only made his blood pump fast, hormones waking up suddenly. He breathed hard with his hand on the door, cursing at himself in whispers for turning into such a mess so easily. He was with Rei now. And he wouldn’t use Haruka again. But still, his body didn’t seem to want to respond. 

Eventually, he unlocked the door and rushed outside, with a knot in his throat.

Haruka stood up slowly and walked outside to his front door to look out where Nagisa ran off to. He stared after him, sighing to himself. He almost had him… maybe… he would get him next time. He shut the door slowly, and placed a hand on the wooden surface.

Would there be a next time? Hadn’t he just told Nagisa he wouldn’t be able to take it if they were just friends?

Haruka hung his head low. Hadn’t he just screwed everything up? Sure, with his choices, he was finally able to make a lot of his fantasies come true, into a sexy reality, but now he had lost Nagisa as a friend. Hadn’t he? He didn’t want to lose him, but he knew it would be hard to be around him now.

It had been difficult to just watch Nagisa staring longingly at Rei, and not him, and it would only break him more to see Nagisa holding Rei’s hand, and not his.

His own hand clenched into a fist on the door. He wanted to destroy something then.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haru >> [dramaticallyfree](http://dramaticallyfree.tumblr.com)/[harukashipshimselfwithwater](http://harukashipshimselfwithwater.tumblr.com)  
> Nagisa>> [nagisapenguindrum](http://nagisapenguindrum.tumblr.com)
> 
> This chapter is slightly longer!

Rei did not seem particularly excited at the idea of sex. “It’s a bit too early, Nagisa-kun, isn’t it?” He had told him through the phone, as Nagisa was walking back home. He had called immediately, trying to look for some relief, but that answer only made him sigh frustrated. 

"Something happened?" Rei then added. "You sound off." 

"It’s just… nothing. I just felt a bit, you know, libido and stuff." 

Rei laughed at the other side, and Nagisa smiled as a reflex. That dorky laugh. 

"That is such an unreasonable thing." 

It is, he thought. “Yeah, it’s a bummer. So you’re not on for some messing around, huh?” He sighed, looking disappointed.

"Sorry, I’m not ready for… _that_ , yet." Rei admitted, and Nagisa nodded. 

"Got it. But what if I just go down on you?" 

Rei gasped through the phone. “Nagisa-kun, that is so… lewd!” 

The blond nodded, cackling softly. “Sorry.”

"It’s actually a very, um, tempting idea. I just have a hard time conciliating your idea as a friend and that of a… lover," Rei explained, and Nagisa could perfectly see him blush. 

"See you tomorrow then."

 

Tomorrow came faster than Rei anticipated. It was a Sunday, so there was no school that day. He wasn’t expecting Nagisa to show up at his house with his bag, announcing that he came to sleep over.

"Nagisa-kun, this is too unexpected," Rei tried to protest, remembering the phone call from last night. Was this what it was all about? Or were they having another study session, perhaps?

No, Nagisa never stayed the night for a thing like that.

The blond did not exactly plan to have sex, just wanted to spend some time together. But eventually that thought _did_ cross his mind. While they were watching a movie - snacks all around, much to Rei’s disappointment - he touched his thigh, with his fingers moving up. Rei shivered, grabbing his hand and holding it. Nagisa groaned, frustrated, and went to cup Rei’s face, kissing him hungrily, his breath uneven in a matter of seconds. 

"What is wrong with you?" Rei protested, frowning. He didn’t mean for it to come off like that, but he did not take his comment back either.

Nagisa shook his head. He scooped away, knowing there was plenty wrong with him.

Rei felt very awkward after that, and he wasn’t sure how to react anymore. His feelings were clashing against one another, and Nagisa seemed to notice his hesitance. Before he could even explain himself, Nagisa looked like he wanted to leave instead of stay, and he wouldn’t stop him.

Nagisa ended up staying. After all, his love for Rei was beyond sex. He calmed down and just snuggled up against the other, who didn’t refuse, and actually wrapped an arm around his shoulders. They had had other sleepovers before, so Nagisa just acted like he had always done. Eventually, he just fell asleep on the couch, drooling all over Rei’s shirt. 

"Honestly…" the other muttered, setting Nagisa down on his lap slowly, while the blond just muttered nonsense in his sleep.

 

The next day at practice, Nagisa’s heart kept warming up as he watched Rei. He had improved so much speaking of times, and he was so proud of him.

Haruka was late, but he showed up to swim practice that day. He heard Makoto’s sound of surprise, not expecting him to show up at all. He ignored his friend completely, as well as Kou and the others, and he dived into the pool instead.

He let the water rush around him as he did his best to get lost in it, and he wondered why he had skipped swim practice at all. He had missed the pool so much. He could pretend he was alone with water here.

Nagisa wondered whether Haruka was feeling a bit better at all. _He probably missed the water_. 

"Nagisa, what was up with Haru?" Makoto asked, in a concerned voice, swimming up to him. Kou also noticed Haruka’s absence had been surprising. 

Nagisa just stared at the brunet swimming back and forth as he lied. “No idea.”

"Well, at least he got out of home," Makoto sighed. He would pester Haruka later about it. Nagisa nodded. That was certainly good. Maybe he could see Haruka slowly get over him…

At the end of swim practice, Haruka remained in the water, with his head poking out just enough so he could hear, as Kou discussed the upcoming perfectuals tournament. 

 _Oh yeah, we still go to those things_ , he thought to himself. He had nearly forgotten. Everyone seemed a little tense during this moment, and he knew it was probably because he had made a sudden reappearance. When everyone announced what they would do, he felt their eyes on him.

"I only swim freestyle," he said, and he saw Makoto looking so relieved. He knew he had to explain himself to the other soon, but what would he say? He didn’t want him to know about him and Nagisa.

He closed his eyes.

 

Prefecturals came soon. Nagisa was worrying about them, given the fact that he had put swimming a bit on the sidelines as he dealt with Haru. But he had worked hard to make his times as good as possible, and Rei had helped him train, pointing out mistakes in his technique. Nagisa was so glad to have a perfectionist as a boyfriend.

So now they were doing individual events, Nagisa ranked first in his stroke (which gained him a group hug) and he was currently waiting for Haruka to dive. Despite his conflicted feeligs, he wanted him to do as best as possible.

Haruka knew what he had to do. Get set, hear the signal, then dive. And that was exactly what he did.

And as always, he found himself from start to finish in a racing pace. He had passed to the next tournament with ease, he hadn’t even had to try.

He went to the locker rooms to shower and get dressed. He remained in the lockers though, staring at the yellow shirt with the secret mascot of their school printed on it. He frowned a little.

He didn’t even enjoy swimming today. It just felt off. He rested his back against the locker, to contemplate the reasons why.

Speaking of which, Nagisa stepped in soon after, wishing to congratulate him. Rei had gone to get snacks… In hindsight, that had been a bad idea. 

"Good job there, Haru-chan," he started, smiling a little. He blushed a little, looking down. "I’m proud of you." He thought Haruka had gotten over him as well, but didn’t mention that.

Haruka looked up at the sound of footsteps and was slightly surprised to see that Nagisa was there.

 _I’m proud of you_. The words burned in his head, and he felt his heart gush with them. 

"Thanks, Nagisa. You did great, too," Haruka said. He stood up straight, and slipped his shirt on, remembering he wasn’t wearing it. He took a few steps to him, closing the gap between them quickly.

"Just you?" he asked, his voice nearly a whisper. He knew he was dangerously close, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care if Nagisa belonged to someone else, because to him, deep down, Nagisa belonged with him.

 

He should have foreseen this. He should have seen it coming. But then again, part of him probably did, and wanted it when he walked into the room _conveniently_ alone. He tensed up all over again just like the last time, planting his nails right into his palms. 

 _It’s just lust, you just want his body. You’re with Rei. You’re going to ruin everything_. 

 

 _… Everything’s already ruined_. 

So he suddenly grabbed Haruka’s shirt and pushed him against the locker, kissing him roughly, his hands running up his chest and his neck, he drank up Haruka’s taste and scent. The chlorine was obviously still strong, but somewhere under it he could still recognize Haru. He grasped to his still wet hair, with his lips parting open and his eyes shooting wide as he moaned softly.

The worst thing was, this time he had acted upon instinct, but his feelings had aligned too. He was still forever Rei’s, but a big part of his mind and thoughts and heart was Haru’s. It was a mess, but with his lips glued to Haruka, he didn’t care right at that moment. 

Haruka wasn’t expecting to be grabbed all the sudden and slammed against the lockers. His breath came out in a soft gasp, only to be muffled by Nagisa’s lips colliding to his. He instantly became quiet, his eyes wide. Nagisa didn’t waste time to start sneaking his hands up his body. 

"I miss you," Nagisa whispered, with his fingers running back down along the nape of his neck. "This time I’m not playing, I… really do miss you. I just wish things were simpler, Haru-chan." 

He put his own hands on Nagisa’s face, cupping it, and returned the kiss with a desperate need to it. His mouth was hungry, and something in him woke up again. Something he hadn’t felt ever since Nagisa left him for Rei.

His body felt electrified at Nagisa’s touch. He looked at the smaller boy vulnerably, knowing it would end terribly, maybe, but his heart just wished this moment to never end.

His eyes had widened when the blond said he missed him. His heart skipped a beat, and he almost smiled, but he didn’t. Nagisa rested his head on his chest, and he reached his hand up to stroke his blond hair.

He wondered if he could hear his heart racing… he wondered if Nagisa’s heart was racing as well. His fingers played with golden strands idly as he wondered these things.

"I miss you too," he whispered, but that was a no-brainer, _he knew_. It was why he had avoided him so intently. He could hardly bear being near him when Rei was about.

Nagisa realized kissing him hadn’t exactly been a good idea, but it was just another one in the long list of bad ideas he’d had. At this point, there was nothing like a _really_ good idea. He was still a teenager. He probably wasn’t the first and wouldn’t have been the last to do something like this. But he wanted Haruka to understand his love for Rei was still pretty much there, still making him almost physically glow, making him happy. Haruka just awakened something dark within him that was needed to tell the happy moments from the sad ones, something that grounded him in reality as opposed to having him daydream all day about marrying Rei, in a country where just very few people would see that as feasible. His love for Rei, then, made him realize the extent of _this_ particular fuckup. 

He leaned his head against Haruka’s chest, and then bumped it as he sort of curled within himself a bit. He knew he would tell Rei. He would, because other than boyfriends they were best friends too, because Rei would see right through him and get it out of him even in case he didn’t want to be honest, which he did. He was always straightforward despite the circumstances, and as risky and painful as that would be, he would tell him. He did not even wish to disappear like other times. With the full conscience that he was getting close to Haruka again, came an embracing attitude towards this version of himself. He was, in short, _a real piece of shit_ right now, other than being the bubbly, adorable little boy that everybody else knew, and it made no sense to hide it now, to hell with what anybody else would think. He looked back up, and went to kiss Haruka’s neck, humming. 

"I’ll figure it out."

"I’m sorry." He closed his eyes, and held Nagisa closer to him. "I’m sorry… but, I don’t regret ever getting involved with you like this."

He would never regret his decisions. Not completely, anyway. Making that haste decision to pin him down and tell him his feelings outright had changed everything in his life. It was like his world was spinning much too fast, and he was stumbling and trying to keep up.

"I love you."

 

Nagisa pulled on the older’s shirt, nervously, as he tried to relax. Haruka was warm. Haruka’s skin just tasted different. He pulled him down, to kiss him again, and didn’t stop until his breath got short. His eyes were firing up, but he said or did nothing for a few seconds. 

"Me too… both of you," he replied, sighing. "It’s weird. And… if you feel like you’re not okay with it, then I’ll let you go. It sounds bad, but that’s all I can offer, and I know it’s not enough." 

He nuzzled his cheek on Haruka’s palm, looking up at him. “I wish I could be better.”

He realized that by always being around, Haruka could never really heal, or stop torturing himself. 

“Ugh, I’m terrible. I’m sorry, Haru."

He took a step back, his fingers lingering on the other’s face just a little, before lowering his arms and gaze. 

"You should get rid of me before I hurt you any further."

It was as if for just one split second, Haruka’s world stopped spinning, or better yet stopped completely. He was no longer stumbling. He was anchored, and no longer so lost.

Nagisa _loved_ him.

He loved Rei, too, but if he really loved Haru… that meant he had finally taken hold of his heart. All he had to do was share it, maybe.

He didn’t speak, too lost in his own mind, when Nagisa began to move away. He quickly grasped him tighter to hold him in place.

"Nagisa, if you leave, that will kill me," he said flatly, his tone serious. Sure, sticking around would hurt, but being apart would only hurt worse.

He leaned over and kissed him deeply, his eyes closing. It was a different kind of kiss this time, with more passion than fire, like he was savoring his taste and presence. 

Nagisa sighed, and this time did not passively let himself being kissed. He pushed Haruka against the closet again, throwing his arms around the other’s neck, brushing away all thoughts and sighing, as he grasped tight on dark hair. His breath shook, with his head feeling light. And then he started leaving little soft kisses on Haru’s neck, slow touches with his lips while his fingertips raised up through his hair again on one hand, and down on his hips with the other. 

"Okay. I’m just telling you… I’m not a good person," he murmured, blushing. He wished he could say differently, but the truth was, he really did not feel innocent at all.

Haruka was breathing roughly when the kiss broke off. He stared at Nagisa longingly. 

"Me neither," he said, and he smirked softly. His face was slightly flushed now from their heated moment. He pet Nagisa’s hair softly again, staring down at him.

He knew they had to depart then, and so he let him go. “We better get back.”

They still had the relay tomorrow.

The blond nodded, but grabbed his wrist gently before letting him go out. “Please, don’t tell Rei-chan.” He didn’t think Haruka would really tell, but he thought it was worth asking. And then he kissed him again, quickly, just a little peck on the other’s lips, and then they were outside, one after the other. It was normal for the rest of the team, but Rei didn’t fail to notice. Still, he said nothing while a little pang of pain made his chest clench. Nagisa ran up to him, smiling, and took his hand. It felt so different, so warm, not that Haruka’s hands weren’t, but it was just an entirely different kind of contact. 

 

The chaos inside of Nagisa just grew in the next days, when he would inevitably end up in Haruka’s arms, whether he’d planned it or not, and then spend the rest of the day at Rei’s place. The megane noticed different things, but was indecisive as to whether bringing them up or tell himself that he was imagining things.

"Nagisa-kun, is everything alright?" Rei asked one evening. He looked at the blond who was about to leave for the night. He had held back that question all day, hoping maybe Nagisa would talk to him about it. But he couldn’t wait around anymore.

"If there’s something wrong, will you tell me?" His voice was soft and caring.

Nagisa’s heart ached. For a split second, he thought he would spit it out, but he smiled instead, feigning relax. If there was something he was good at, it was hiding his feelings behind a smile.

"Yeah, I’m fine! I love you, Rei-chan." He replied, kissing him sweetly. His company made everything feel so soft and warm. He’d dread to lose it. 

Rei didn’t buy it, though, especially after that line which seemed weirdly defensive. A bit of sadness wrapped around an organ that by logic shouldn’t hurt that much when it was healthy. He walked back home, repeating formulas and definitions in his head to distract himself, but only found out that all the answers always lead to Haruka. He decided he would talk to him too, even though their interaction hadn’t exactly been friendly lately, which was a real understatement. And that made him sad too. He had always looked up to the brunet boy, for the way he beautifully swam, and the sort of control he’d always seemed to have on his emotions. Rei’s flaw was feeling a bit too much, maybe.

 

The next day of school, Haruka walked with Makoto. Like old times. His friend wouldn’t stop talking about things, especially asking questions about himself. Haruka didn’t speak much, and was glad that Makoto took his silence as a quiet plea to swim, as he always did, just because he kept his eyes on the ocean.

It was a long day of school. Haruka found himself doodling things in his notebook that he probably wouldn’t have doodled before. He sketched Nagisa’s face, and even them both kissing. 

 _Why am I acting like such a girl?_ he thought, frowning at his notebook that he quickly closed then. Sure, he wasn’t writing his name over and over again, but drawing him was just as bad. He couldn’t stop.

It was as if he was trying to get every detail of Nagisa in his mind onto paper.

 

Rei excused himself while he and Nagisa were making out in the school bathroom after school, leaving the blond confused. “You go on, I left something in class.”

"Uh, okay," Nagisa replied, puzzled, but sure thing he walked back home, quietly. 

Rei knew that Haruka was staying late to catch up on some studying, so he quickly walked to his classroom, and politely gestured for him to come out when he happened to look. He had questions, and he would shoot them at him with no hesitation.

Haruka looked up to see Rei, and he slowly excused himself to go into the hall. He looked at him with curiosity, but he had a feeling he knew what he wanted.

"What?" he asked, looking right at him. He didn’t sound pleasant, or happy to be there. He waited to see what he would say.

"Nagisa-kun is lying to me. He tries to hide it, but I’m convinced he is. And I know you don’t want to see me or be around me, but I need to know. Are you still… seeing each other?” Rei blurted out, cutting right to the chase. He was the kind of person who would dance around something even just a little before getting to the point, but he did not care for formalities, not with this. He already knew, but he wanted to hear if. He’d much have preferred it to be Nagisa, but since he wasn’t going to give him the truth, Haruka was the next logical option. And he would have had plenty of reasons to tell the truth.

Haruka didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

He didn’t like to lie, and he didn’t _want_ to lie. Yes, him and Nagisa were still seeing each other. They still kissed, they still touched, they still had sex. Haruka had felt beyond better when they got together again like that, on one lazy afternoon with sleepy kisses. His body still tingled and felt hot at the memory.

"He loves me." He gave Rei a challenging glare. " _Me_ , Rei.”

Rei just stared at him, something painful happening to his heart. He didn’t expect a no, but to be told like that really hurt.

"I… see." He whispered, sadly. "Thanks for telling me," he added in a quiet, low voice, and turned around to go back home. And then as he was out, he started running. He was good at it. So good that he caught up with Nagisa when he was halfway home.

"Nagisa!" He called, the hurt impossible to ignore in his voice.

The blond turned, puzzled. “Rei-chan, did you find what you were looking for…?” He asked, completely unaware.

"Yes." Rei replied, the pain all over his face. Nagisa noticed alright, and his heart started beating faster.

"What… are you okay?" He mumbled, something unpleasant stirring his insides.

 

"Haruka-senpai told me. We’re over. I would’ve much rather have heard it from you, Nagisa."

He had had time to think about it while running, and ran to let out the anger and hurt, ran fast to not cry, ran to expel his feelings, and now while panting and spitting hard, sharp, short sentences, he felt his heart close off to everything. To Nagisa’s successive words, to his own heart. _Is this what being broken feels like_?

Nagisa’s heart seemed to stop for the shock, and tears instantly rose to his pink eyes. “N-no, wait…”

“—I don’t like being made fun of. If you preferred him from the start you should have told me. I gave you a choice, and still you kept bouncing around like nothing mattered." Rei kept going on, blushing from the hurt and anger. “Like my feelings didn’t matter. I’m… _very_ disappointed."

"No, it’s… it’s not like that. I do love you," Nagisa tried to explain, "it’s just… it’s just I have feelings for Haruka too. I just… But I love you more." He tried to grab his wrists while mumbling.

"If you truly loved me, you wouldn’t have cheated on me." Rei was lapidary, shooing Nagisa’s hands away. "So we’re over. We can still be friends because despite everything I still care about you like before, but don’t lie to me _ever_ again. And forget all about having sleepovers. I don’t trust you anymore.”

As Rei turned his back on him, having kept things short, shocking, and painful for both, Nagisa barely held it together. He ran back home, rushed furiously to his room with tears already spilling, and locked the door as he started sobbing. His chest hurt acutely, en passant he told himself he just wanted to go back and shoo everyone away. It wouldn’t have hurt nearly this much, especially because he felt like the sole responsible.

 

Haruka had a feeling that something was wrong. Nagisa didn’t show up as his place like he usually did at night, and neither was he texting him as he often did. He stared at his phone, for once in his life, wishing it would go off.

He reached over and sent Nagisa a text: 

> ** _You alright?_**

Of course he wasn’t. Rei probably told Nagisa what he had told him, the truth, that him and Nagisa were still a thing. He began to wonder if that was the right decision. Nagisa had kept it a secret for obvious reasons, reasons he didn’t like, but it still wasn’t his choice to make.

Was it?

He didn’t know. He sat there, exasperated, as he waited for a return text. His hands found themselves on his head, his fingers tangling in his hair. He stared at the phone passively, and urged it to go off.

**_> Nagisa, c’mon._ **

 

**_> Rei told me it’s over_ **

 

**_> You told him when I specifically told you not to. you couldn’t just make some lie up, could you???_ **

Eventually he texted back, feeling empty. Stating it only made it more real. Hurting himself by repeating it was a form of punishment for himself. He got it coming, alright, he saw all of this happen from the moment Rei gave him a choice, and yet he had messed it up anyway… 

More than anything, at this point all he wanted was some form of punishment that would take that hatred for himself away, but all he could do was wallow. He was hurting, and angry, and he knew lashing out on Haruka was wrong, but he needed to. 

**_> I’m never going to be with him again_ **

That last realization was a knife twisted right in his heart.

**_> I’m never going to be able to look at him the way I did again._ **

He cried once more while he sent more texts, and sighed as he bumped his head against the wall. And then again and again, until it started hurting. It was way too late for him to run at Haruka’s place and keep on throwing a tantrum, so he just curled under his blankets, eyes staring in the void, all light gone.

Haruka watched his phone light up and he quickly grabbed it. He felt happy and upset at the same time to hear the news that Rei had broken up with Nagisa. He was glad, of course, to see that they weren’t going to be together again, but the texts that followed crushed him.

He read those words, and yet, he couldn’t find anything to say. In a way he had caused this, so, of course, his fingers were hesitant to push any letters to form words. In the end, he managed to send a message back.

**_> sorry_ **

He wasn’t sure if he really meant it or not.

 

Nagisa’s reply arrived a few minutes later.

**_> you’re not_ **

His eyes watered again. He grabbed his phone again, and sniffled. 

**_> but I understand why you’d be giddy_ **

**_> because i’m just like you._ **

That realization, as usual, dawned on him as soon as he expressed it. He was indeed just like Haru. Just more confused about his feelings. If he had been more decided about it, this wouldn’t have happened. He sighed, adding something else at the end.

> ** _and you couldn’t lie. it’s my fault. sorry, i’m just an asshole…_**

He found himself wishing none of it had happened. Nothing, not even the little time he had with Rei, to be with him exactly as he’d always wished. 

He didn’t sleep all night.

Haruka couldn’t find it in himself to reply to those texts. The next day sometime in the afternoon, though, he immediately texted back, mostly because it was a Sunday and there was no school.

**_> will you come over?_ **

He wanted to see him. He wanted to cheer him up. He could cook him some mackerel, he always liked his cooking. He could hold him, too, right? Maybe kiss a bit?

He didn’t know how to cheer people up, but he just wanted Nagisa here with him.

 _Why not?_ Nagisa thought as the ringtone woke him up. His face looked terrible, but he could not bring himself to care.

**_> yeah_ **

 

He just straight up exited the door, mumbling something unintelligible in the kitchen’s general direction. He shoved his hands down his pockets as he quietly walked up to Haruka’s house. His cheeks were red for the cold, but he didn’t even feel it. He just buried his face in his scarf and then looked at Haruka’s door, sighing. He knocked, and wrapped his own arms around himself.

Haruka wanted to race to the door, but he took his time to get there instead. He opened it, and his face fell when he saw how bad Nagisa looked. Now he felt regretful. Nagisa had been happy before this, and he had only deflated it.

"Nagisa," he began, but all the words he had wanted to say left him now. He looked at him, apologetic, and stepped to the side to let Nagisa in. He waited to be yelled at. He waited for Nagisa to tell them it was over. He had all of these fears collide in his brain all at once, and his heart began to race.

He hadn’t considered the fact that Nagisa would want to leave him.

Nagisa looked down at his feet and walked in, letting the warmth of the house surround him. He closed the door, and immediately went to lean against Haru. “Hug me, please,” he begged in a low, humble voice, closing his eyes. He had considered breaking up once and for all, but his resolve had vanished the moment he thought about them, their evenings together, the pure, innocent love Haruka had shown to him under all that possessiveness. He didn’t even feel like crying, he hadn’t slept all night and didn’t have the strength to lash out. He just wanted to be with Haruka, not alone. Be with someone who could understand.

Haruka slowly wrapped his arms around him, relief washing over him. He held him close, almost protectively. He wasn’t sure if he should say anything, so he didn’t.

Instead, he just held him, just as he asked. He hoped he would be able to get over this, for both of them.

 

Nagisa grasped on him, his eyes closing. He said nothing for a while, but whispered when he did. 

"I’m sorry about yesterday. I… was the one in the wrong." 

He curled his fingers into strands of Haruka’s hair, sighing. And then added, “guess that now I’m all yours.” 

He was too tired to do anything. So he just took his shoes off and went to curl up on Haruka’s sofa, asking to lean his head on the other’s lap, silently. He slowly picked Haruka’s hand up, and sighed. “I think things went the right way after all. I… should’ve realized sooner. We actually have chemistry. It’s weird but we do. With Rei… with him it was _perfect_. But we are mostly just friends. And we acted as usual.” It took him a lot to say that. “And I apologize. It’s going to take me a while to be over it… hopefully it will happen.”

Haruka stared down at him as he spoke, letting Nagisa just spill his words. With his free hand, he stroke the blond’s hair, with gentle touches and caresses.

"I’ve always waited," he said. "I can wait a little longer." His hand trailed down to the edge of his face.

He was happy to hear Nagisa say that. That must mean they never could have gone that far in their relationship, like they had. It truly meant that Nagisa was all his.

Nagisa let his eyelids fall shut, humming quietly. “Okay.” 

He was mostly silent, and eventually sleep caught up with him. So he just lay there with Haruka’s fingers through his own hair, lulled by the other’s presence. 

In his vague dream, Rei was still there, and he called him out, even in reality in a weak whisper, but the dream turned to big blue eyes and an ocean to dive in, thus he woke up whispering Haruka’s name. And he was definitely less tired. But his chest still felt constricted.

 

It was morning, and Haruka was cooking some mackerel for breakfast just as usual. Sometime during the night, he positioned Nagisa carefully on the couch and gave him a blanket. 

He set up two plates of his food and set them on the counter.

He would be there for Nagisa when he would wake up, he thought. He decided to take a nice quick bath. He went to the bathroom to soak, thinking over and over and over again about the things Nagisa said to him last night. He wondered what would happen now.

Nagisa smelled fish, so he got up. A little smile appeared on his lips as he thought of eating fish in the morning… But he said nothing, he just quietly reached the kitchen with bed hair and a really dumb expression. As soon as he saw the mackerel, he chuckled softly. 

"Goodmorning," he said, yawning. He really did not feel like moping today.

Haruka looked up at him with a towel on his head, his hair still damp.

"Morning." He was already eating his mackerel. "Sleep well?"

He didn’t stare at him for long. In fact, he found himself averting his gaze much too quickly. 

Nagisa nodded, his body still slowly waking up. “I slept. Needed it, honestly.” He smiled a little, and then his eyes glanced down Haruka’s body for a short second, only to direct his gaze away. Now he definitely was awake. A little blush appeared on his cheeks while he went back to eating, and then asked, “was I a bother? Just falling asleep on you like that…”

"Not really," Haruka said simply, his voice soft. He was nearly done eating now, so he began to slow down. He grabbed a piece between his chopsticks, and eyed it for several seconds, before popping it into his mouth. "If it helped you sleep, that’s fine."

Nagisa’s face relaxed, and then he sighed, more relieved than anything. 

"You know, thanks for waiting so much. And for not leaving me alone. I’m horrible all around and yet here you still are." 

He stopped eating for a second, thinking about it. 

"You know, I’m a bad person. But I’m going to try. To be… less cruel, anyway. So… well, I can’t make promises, but just, you know… I’ll try to control myself, my body, my… thoughts." 

He took another piece of mackerel. “I can’t wait to grow up, if this is what puberty’s like.” 

And then he grimaced bitterly, thinking of the extent of hurt he’d caused.

Haruka stared at him as he spoke, his expression passive. He listened to what he said, but a lot of it didn’t seem to make sense to him. Nagisa wasn’t horrible. He had nothing to be sorry for. He shouldn’t…

 

Haruka reached over the table to touch Nagisa’s face, his fingers lingering on his jawline. “You don’t have to try and control yourself around me, Nagisa.”

Nagisa’s shoulders relaxed, while a pleasant shiver ran down his spine. Still, he did feel guilty. He grabbed Haruka’s fingers, nuzzling softly his cheeks on his palm, as he closed his eyes. 

"Don’t bother dressing up then," he replied, looking at the raven-haired boy with magenta luscious eyes filled with want.

Haruka couldn’t help the sly little smirk that went across his face then. He shifted himself closer and kissed him sweetly, quickly on the lips before pulling away and nestling his face on the crook of his shoulder. That little kiss made his heart rush. He had missed Nagisa so, _so_ much.

The other stood, his hands immediately flowing through Haru’s dark and wet hair, his body searching for the other’s while a familiar warmth spread everywhere in his body, with his skin somehow particularly aware of Haruka’s touch, or at least so it seemed to the blond, who sighed of relief. He pulled up Haruka’s chin, kissing him with all the hunger that had built up in those days. He pushed him against the counter, intoxicated by the warmth of Haruka’s body. He was hungry. _So_ hungry.

The towel that was on Haruka’s shoulders had fallen to the ground, and he reached up to wrap his arms around Nagisa. He liked this side of the bubbly blond, this side that was as dangerous as he himself seemed to be. He kissed him back eagerly, using a bit of his tongue, his heart pounding heavily. It was just like that time in the locker-room, except now, they didn’t have a time limit. Now, they could go further if they wanted.

He just hoped it wouldn’t happen there on the counter. He cooked his mackerel on it, after all.

But he didn’t worry about that too much: he grasped Nagisa’s shirt in his fist, as his other hand traveled down his body. He let the blond overwhelm him, and he hoped, he was overwhelming him back equally in return.

Nagisa’s fingers fisted Haruka’s hair, and with a low growl he pulled the other’s head aside to invade his neck, while his other hand palmed his chest. His blood was rushing too fast to think, but all he felt was a heartbeat, the excitement, and a growing sense of this being the right thing after all, despite what he had thought at the beginning. And then he trailed kisses down his body, with his mouth pressing hard on soft, silky skin, and in no time he was going down on him, there against the counter, too hungry to care about anything else right now.

The first thing that came across Haruka’s mind, which he whispered upon his breath, was _damn_. That was exciting. In all moments when they had been intimate, Haruka had been the one to take over, to slide his body into his, but this time, Nagisa took the lead, and now he had no idea which position he enjoyed more.

His second thought was, _my counter_. He’d have to clean and sanitize that before he would prepare any meals again. The first thought was stronger than the second, however. He kept Nagisa close, his breath heavy, and pressed his lips against his forehead. His eyes were droopy, almost closed, but he didn’t want Nagisa to be out of his sight, not yet.

 

Nagisa woke up tangled with Haruka’s arms and legs on the sofa, once again naked, with endorphins still making his body feel relaxed, light and warm, if not drowsy. He looked down on his chest, where Haruka’s was lying, with his head leaning directly on his own heart. He pet his hair, and took a deep sigh. Lazily, he closed his eyes again for a few seconds, as he let silence still dominate in the room. And then he gazed down at the other once more, thinking about how pretty he looked. He almost felt like doing it all again, but he was exhausted. 

"Haru-chan, you’re so pretty," he cooed, not sure on whether he’d hear. A lazy smile slowly blossomed on his lips.

Haruka opened one of his eyes to look up at him. “ _Pretty_?” he mumbled. He let out a huff of air, an amused sound. He closed his eyes again, letting that compliment sink in his head.

"I’m not pretty," he decided. Nagisa was the one who was pretty to him, with his sunshine hair and strawberry eyes. He listened to his heartbeat for longer, loving the sound, loving everything about this boy. He felt so sleepy, but it was a blissful tiredness.

Nagisa giggled, with his fingertips tracing imaginary scribbles on Haruka’s skin. “Yes, you are. You have the prettiest eyes.” Which was true for him. He insisted about it, feeling a bit stupid, because he wanted to see him blush right at that moment. He held him close against himself, and yawned softly, with his skin getting goosebumps; he was starting to feel a bit of cold, despite Haruka’s body warmth.

Haruka was indeed flushing now, thanks to the comments. He positioned himself so he could nuzzle closer to Nagisa, giving him more of his warmth. His bare back was getting chilly, but it didn’t bug him.

"You’re the one that’s pretty," he insisted, staring at him. He played with a few strands of blond hair between his fingertips. He smiled up, almost innocent-like.

Nagisa smirked, satisfied, observed the blush on Haruka’s cheeks paired with his serene blue eyes and then he cackled, while kissing him. “I am?” He asked jokingly, as he settled better under Haruka’s body, brushing, quietly his back. 

“We do fit well together, huh?” He switched the topic, beginning to feel a bit of bitterness rise up his chest, so he closed his eyes, also because of the drowsiness. 

Rei was still a lingering thought in his mind, after all. And the more the next day approached, the worse he felt about being in his same class. It sure would be awkward, he thought.

Haruka nestled his face under Nagisa’s chin, closing his eyes. He never wanted tomorrow to come. He just wanted to be with Nagisa like this for the rest of his days. He wanted it more than anything.

 

"Hey, Nagisa…" his voice was on the edge of nervousness, as if all the tension he had felt these past weeks has been bottled up until now, and only displaying with these words. He hesitated, and almost withdrew his suggestion, but he got over himself, and spoke softly, “Move in with me.”

He knew they were teenagers, but Nagisa was old enough to move into his own place, just like Haruka was old enough. And Nagisa could get away from his parents, and they wouldn’t have to ever be apart. He only saw good things from his idea, and he hated to live alone. He had simply just waited for the right person to share his life with, and even though Nagisa was flawed, he himself was flawed, too. He believed that bringing them together could balance each other. They could heal each other only with time and intimacy. 

Nagisa widened his eyes in shock, completely taken aback. Where did that idea even come from? He had never heard anything like it. Not said to him anyway.

"Uuuuh… maybe we should wait? We’re not even of age. And my parents are still my legal guardians,” he replied, still confused. 

He passed his fingers through Haruka’s hair, still shocked. “Where does this idea come from anyway, Haru-chan?” He asked, blinking heavily.

Haruka wouldn’t say that broke his heart, if even just a little. His eyes drooped slightly, and he hugged him tighter. He felt like disappearing right then.

"Nevermind, forget it," he said, his voice barely audible. Of course they should wait. Of course they should. Why did he have to blurt that out? He closed his eyes again. _Because he loved him_. Simple as that. He didn’t ask for his parents to leave the town and leave him here by himself, to fend for himself. He didn’t ask for any of it. 

Nagisa brushed his fingertips up and down Haruka’s nape, smiling a little. “That is flattering, though. Are you sure you’d want to live with a mess like me?” 

He played a little with the brunet’s strands of hair, appreciating its feathery feel. He did not mention that for a lot of time he had envisioned living with Rei, like that was a natural direction his life would take. Fitting Haruka in his long term plans was still somehow new. But exciting, after all. He poked the other’s side, smiling, and whispered, “but I would not push the idea aside.”

Haruka didn’t move, even at that comment. He kept his face slightly hidden from view. 

"I’m sure," he said simply. He was very sure of it. What was there not to be sure about? "Very sure." He added, to make his point. He kissed Nagisa’s collar bone, simply lingering his lips on there.

Nagisa’s lips instinctively curled up in a smile while his body moved a little under Haruka.

"It’s a deal then," he replied, kissing him. He would probably dive head down into this, whatever this was, despite the fact that a part of his head was accusing him of taking time now, which he wanted to dismiss as ludicrous, however the thought was a valid one. He looked at the boy lying on him, with messy hair and eyes as turbulent - or in this case, quiet - as the ocean. For now, what they had was good to him, all in all. 

"Haru-chan," he added, looking in his eyes. "I’m yours now." He smiled slowly, cupping his cheeks. "I’m not going anywhere. Well, not before graduation anyway." 

That was another lingering thought, and he realized he’d been pushing it aside for too long. Funny enough, Rei had always been pushing him to choose something to do and he had not cared, now Nagisa wanted nothing but to know exactly what he would do for the rest of his life. Haruka was a part of it.

Haru’s eyes glimmered with absolute happiness as he stared at Nagisa, his face being held in his hands. He could wait until after graduation, that was okay. He leaned over and kissed him softly, his lips molding perfectly with his.  How could he tell him how much he loved him? The words he used were said much too often that they just weren’t enough to him anymore. He broke the kiss and nuzzled his face ever so slightly against Nagisa’s hand. “And I’m yours," he finally said, his eyes meeting his again.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haru >> [dramaticallyfree](http://dramaticallyfree.tumblr.com)/[harukashipshimselfwithwater](http://harukashipshimselfwithwater.tumblr.com)  
> Nagisa>> [nagisapenguindrum](http://nagisapenguindrum.tumblr.com)
> 
> Final chapter!

The next day, Nagisa’s heart was heavy, and anxiety was clenching around his heart. As he expected, Rei’s eyes hardened up when he walked in class, and that was the first stab. He sat silently to his desk, praying that they would not have any reason to talk. He could feel Rei’s gaze burn on him, but he did not dare to look back because he knew he would only meet with anger. But then, during class, the teacher gave them an assignment to do in pairs. _God, really? Today of all days? Is this karma?_ Given that everybody sort of just assumed Nagisa and Rei would work together, they paired up accordingly and nobody noticed, but Nagisa froze for a minute there. And then he took a deep breath, preparing to face him. No amount of preparing could make him ready for Rei’s hurt look, though, which he actually hid behind a veil of carefully crafted coldness and distance. Nagisa blushed the entire time, tortured by Rei’s few stone cold words and his own inability to say anything, so he just worked in silence the entire time. He didn’t think he could go on so long without really _talking_ , even though he knew about the inevitable direction a conversation between all of it would take. And then at the end of class, he realized he could not do it anymore. He looked at Rei and whispered, “please, I need to talk to you.”

"About what? About you cheating right after we got together?" Rei snapped back bitterly. 

Nagisa sighed, knowing what to say exactly once he’d get him alone, so he had to get him there. “Please, I really need to talk to you, somewhere private.”

"So you’ll try to jump on me and convince me to have threesome with Haruka-senpai?"

That was a stab, but he just took it since he deserved it. 

"No. I want to apologize. I want to let you know how… sorry I am for dragging you into this. I need to tell you, and then you can just go back to hate me," he replied, lowering his gaze. 

Rei sighed, shaking his head, and then nodded towards the door. “Bathroom. Let’s go.”

 

Once they were alone, Nagisa shifted his weigh from one foot to the other, tense, and then took a deep breath under Rei’s expecting gaze. 

"I’m pretty sure you’ve called me that when alone but I’m saying it too: I’m an irresponsible brat, yeah. I can’t control my body, I can’t control myself, and I can’t control my feelings. I was confused and I used you to value both things. And in the end the person I wanted to be with was in front of me all along, but to not make it all about myself… You didn’t deserve that. I’m a bad person and I hurt you, and I’m not even asking for forgiveness because I… don’t deserve it. And I’m not expecting us to still be friends like nothing happened. I just hope you’re going to be okay, and that you won’t hate on Haru-chan. Hate me all you want, but don’t blame him, please." 

He looked right in his eyes the whole time, and only at the end he looked down. “I know it’s useless to say now, but I really have loved you since the first year.”

Haruka happened to be in the bathroom stalls when he heard Nagisa’s voice ring out. His eyes widened, as he zipped up his pants because he was finished, but he didn’t get out.

He listened quietly, fear unsettling in his belly. Why was he so nervous? He knew Nagisa loved him now. Didn’t he? He had said it himself. He had made a deal with him that after graduation they could be free together.

He was only brought relief, however, from what he heard. His heart had been racing, and he had been holding his breath. And then, it blew up in his face again at what Nagisa left off with. It was like he could hear Rei’s surprise.

"That long?" Rei asked. He had listened to every word Nagisa said, and it didn’t really matter to him. He was too hurt and upset. Had Nagisa known he had cried himself to sleep these past few nights? He had no idea how such an illogical thing as love can be introduced into his life and ripped right back out in a matter of seconds.

"I guess it doesn’t matter after all, huh?" He couldn’t hold his bitterness back. Haruka hung his head low.

Nagisa was just standing there letting words rip into him. He let them, because he deserved it. It didn’t mean they didn’t hurt. 

"… well, that’s all I wanted to say. That I’m a disgusting person and I’m sorry and you can hate me all you want for it. Just, please, leave Haru-chan out of it."

Rei now yelled. “Why should I care? You both acted disgusting, and—”

“—I’m disgusting. He’s not. Please, leave him out.” Nagisa was shaking now.

 _Disgusting. Disgusting, disgusting_. Not Haruka, though.

Rei scoffed, and now his voice was lower. “Guess you care more about him than you’ve ever cared about me.”

Nagisa’s eyes widened, and he looked back up, now barely holding himself together. “No, that’s not true.”

"If you did care, you wouldn’t have been acting towards me like that!" Rei replied, also on the verge of tears. When he realized that, he just shoved Nagisa aside and walked out. He could not stand to see him anymore. All the time they had spent together… it just took a bitter veil he could not tear away now.

 

Nagisa just stood there, and then after a few moments he quietly leaned against the wall, sliding down. He buried his head in his knees, curled up on the dirty ground, and pretended nothing was there, not the world, not this thing which appeared so huge and life-defining for him right now. When he heard Haruka’s stall open, he did a double take, fear wrapping him up, because there was no way he hadn’t heard everything. “No, not… don’t leave me too. I am disgusting, but don’t leave me.” He pleaded irrationally, before the other could even say anything.

Haruka stared down at Nagisa, his eyes showing a sadness that was deep and pure, like a broken mirror of what he saw before him, a shattered Nagisa who didn’t seem to understand anything about himself, who seemed so lost, so confused. 

The only thing he could do though was stare at him. He couldn’t even find words to say. He kept playing those words again in his mind.

_"Guess you care more about him than you’ve ever cared about me."_

_"No, that’s not true."_

He wasn’t sure what to feel, but he was pretty sure this was close: like he was dying on the inside. He clenched his hands into fists, before he knelt down in front of the blond. He still kept his silence strong as he reached out to touch his face. His eyes stared piercing, blue meeting pink. He never wanted any of this, for Nagisa to be hurt. All he could do is hope that someday, maybe soon, maybe years down along the road, Nagisa could truly be just his.

But right now, Nagisa’s heart was torn between two people, and things he said conflicted with each other. He just hoped, that in the end, he would possess at least the bigger part of his heart. That would be enough.

Nagisa thought he would get yelled at again, so he just lowered his gaze, ready for it. The yelling didn’t come, so he eventually spoke, after replaying the conversation back, as painful as it was.

"He’s partially right, you know. I’m disgusting, but you’re not though. And I deserve to be alone, because I’m such a mess." He rubbed his eyes, sighing exhausted. "I just want to stop existing for a while. Go back after resting. I can’t deal with being the cheerful one and then… this. And I don’t deserve any of you. And I…" The next thought cut his breath in his lungs as soon as he formulated it. 

 

"… I ruined the team."

That was bound to be true. With half the swimming team’s members unable to even see each other, and him being the cause of it, not even Makoto’s calming warmth and Amakata-sensei’s wisdom would fix things. They would never swim a relay as a team again. This time, he burst sobbing, with his whole body shaking.

Haruka’s eyes widened with that statement. _Ruined the team_? He thought about it, considered going to tournaments with everyone. They could do their own races without a problem, he was sure, but what about the relays? To him, he was sure his swimming wouldn’t be too affected, but he could sense that Nagisa and Rei may have some hesitance when they switched, when they raced, when they all finished at the end. He could see it now, them losing, them not even winning, and Makoto would be very upset. All of them would be.

His heart constricted in his chest. He brought Nagisa close to him and pressed him against him. He let him cry. He ran his hand up and down along his back, trying to find some way to comfort the blond. How could he help?

"It wasn’t your fault," he finally said. There it was. The _truth_. "I started this whole mess. If I just didn’t get in-between you and Rei and everything, none of this wouldn’t have happened."

Back to that day where on impulse he had shoved Nagisa against the tree and poured out his feelings and kissed him, not even knowing how he’d feel about it, he wouldn’t have done a thing if he had known what it would cause now.

Back to that day where Rei asked for the truth, if Haruka and Nagisa were still seeing each other, and he told him the details, without even trying to make it seem softer, less hurtful, he would have lied if he had known it would make Rei hate Nagisa like this. Tears fell down along his face, landing in Nagisa’s hair. A soft whimper escaped him. “I ruined the team, Nagisa. I did. Not you.”

Nagisa was a victim to him.

 

But Nagisa clung onto him desperately, shaking his head. “I am so not innocent, Haru. I chose to go along with it, I kissed Rei-chan, and then I kissed you, and I made my choices, even though I was confused, because that is not an excuse. If anything… we are _both_ guilty. I just don’t want Rei-chan and Mako-chan to hate you. Because I can deal with being kicked out if it comes to that, but you… no.”

He didn’t know exactly why he wanted to protect Haru. He just wanted him to get out of it unharmed, in any way. Haruka could have a _future_ with swimming, Nagisa never even planned to. What wrecked him was that now their friendship was basically destroyed in his eyes. He didn’t want his friends to be involved, and yet it was going to happen.

He cried silently on Haruka’s shoulder for a while, and then he simply grew too weary to even keep his eyes open. But they had more classes to attend to. And Rei would be sitting right behind him. That day - and the next ones - would probably be hell.

Haruka sighed and just let him cry then. He couldn’t argue with that, but he would still simply blame himself. He pet his hair on his head, very softly, until the bell rang for the next class.

His heart jumped at the sound, and he heard students shuffling already. “Nagisa, come home with me,” he said, like a plea, but more as if he was demanding it. “Skip school today.” He didn’t want Nagisa to be suffering all day like this.

Nagisa welcomed that proposal with relief. His head was aching, he would not have been able to follow anyway. He nodded quietly, sighing. “Sorry, I keep crying on you.” He sniffled, got up and looked at the mirror. “Great, I look awful too,” he muttered, and splashed his face clean. He honestly did not even feel like thinking. He just wanted to curl up on Haruka’s bed and spend the day there, but that wasn’t feasible, especially since he still felt like a useless bother. 

He did not even care about sneaking out of school.

"Don’t worry about that," Haruka said. He took his wrist and nearly dragged him out of the school, trying to quickly get out by blending in with the crowd of students. As soon as they were outside, the school seemed empty, but really, everyone had just retreated into their classrooms.

Nagisa grabbed his hand, quickly getting away with him. When he was sure nobody from the school would notice their absence, he sighed, slowing down. He looked at Haruka again, already feeling a bit safer. The idea of going back to class was too much to handle for him right now. 

 

"Haru-chan, how do you feel about that discussion, exactly?" He then asked, swallowing. "I know you heard everything. I mean, it’s sort of obvious, still you haven’t said much."

Haruka hadn’t expected to be asked this, and so he was caught off guard. He thought about it for a moment, and he looked away.

"You care about him more, don’t you?" he asked. That was the part that had bugged him, when Rei assumed Nagisa cared for Haruka more than him, Nagisa declined. 

He felt really insecure to ask this, as if he was admitting something about himself, but just wasn’t sure what. 

Nagisa frowned, turning to look at him. 

“That’s not what I meant.” That was not it at all. He thought about it for a bit. "Haru-chan… You can’t quantify that. It doesn’t make sense for me to say I care more about any of you. Right now, I want _you_. Because you get me, because we’re more similar than we look like. I also still want Rei-chan, yes. But that’s gone now, clearly," he replied explaining himself better, with a painful shiver at the last part. "So… I guess right now I have to look forward and get over it. My problem is, I don’t know how long it will take, and I don’t know how long he will take to… heal. That whole conversation… I didn’t expect it to go any differently. For me, it was just a due apology. But I never for a moment thought he would forgive me." He spoke lucidly, but held Haruka’s hand tighter. "And I am just dealing with having shattered everything, not just between me and Rei-chan, but also with the team. Bottom line is, when I said I’m yours, I meant it. I just need to get my thoughts back together. Talking to him and telling him everything I though, that was one step towards it." 

Speaking with Haruka was incredibly easy, he thought. Not that normally it wouldn’t be, but opening up, that came more natural with him. He had already noticed that, often, but in this moment particularly it was pretty evident.

Haruka nodded. “Sorry. That makes sense.” He held Nagisa’s hand back, looking ahead of them again. He let his words sink in, and decided to focus on the I’m yours bit. "I’m here for you to get through it," he promised. Once they reached his house, he unlocked the door and let Nagisa walk in first, then shut the door behind them. They had done this numerous times, for numerous reasons, and this was a bitter one.

He grabbed the bowl of candy on his counter and brought it to him. “Here,” he said, as if thinking some sweets could possibly ease Nagisa and cheer him up, for even for a second.

 

Nagisa blushed a little, deciding to nod firmly. Haruka deserved more, so he would work on getting over Rei, he decided. And then the routine at Haru’s place was so familiar to him that the particular scent of him that filled the house did not even feel alien to him anymore. Then Haruka was handing him over candy, which made his heart warm up in the most unlikely circumstance, and he smiled a bit, sweetly. “Aw, thanks, Haru-chan. You know how to cheer me up already.” 

He kissed his cheek. Yeah, skipping the rest of school had been a good idea. He sat on the sofa on a particular spot he found out that he liked, took off his shoes, and looked at him. “Thanks, really.” _For everything_ , he meant.

Haruka smiled at the kiss on his cheek, and he took a seat beside him. “No problem.” It was just candy, but he had a feeling there was something more sincere with the gratitude.

He took a piece himself, a hard candy that was blueberry flavored. He suckled on it in silence, considering the whole thing about the team and relays. He knew he had to tell Makoto something soon. His friend was becoming distant and upset with being left behind in everything. He grabbed the remote control and turned the tv on, not really minding what was airing. He just wanted some background noise, since having some would always get him more comfortable. 

"Aren’t your parents ever home? Like, ever?" Nagisa asked, a little because he was honestly curious about it, but also because he didn’t really feel like talking about Rei and them any further. He popped another candy between his lips, sugar already kicking in and making him feel at least a little less bitter.

"I live on my own. They visit me sometimes, though." Haruka looked at the TV, and it was some sort of weird cartoon he never watched before. He didn’t watch it now, either. He looked at Nagisa, still sucking on his candy. "Didn’t I tell you?" 

It was one of the reasons he had asked Nagisa to move in with him. He hated to live on his own.

Nagisa cocked his head, curling up. “… Do you ever feel lonely?” He then asked, quietly, finding a piece of the puzzle Haruka represented to him. Like, perhaps, his possessiveness was a consequence of living alone? There was still so much he didn’t know, though. 

He could never envision living alone. He needed human contact pretty much like oxygen. Thinking that, he leaned against the other.

"You’re here a lot of the time, and I have my friends, so it’s okay," Haruka said, trying to believe himself. He looked at the TV again, and crunched the candy in his mouth. The flavor burst between his teeth, and he swallowed it.

 

Nagisa stretched his neck to kiss him, out of the blue, on the cheek, and waited for him to turn his head to kiss him on the lips as well. He was still feeling guilty. His mood was still wrecked. But at least he could taste something sweet on Haruka’s mouth, and he did. He closed his eyes, feeling the tiredness come back and try to knock him out. “i’ll have a nap…” He mumbled as he set the candy bowl down. His head was still pulsating from the crying.

The kiss was unexpected for Haruka, but welcomed with eagerness. He returned the kiss, and then he guided him so he could lay his head on his lap. He pet his hair, and he looked at the TV. Once he was sound asleep, he switched the TV to a water documentary.

 

When Nagisa woke up, he wasn’t on Haruka’s lap anymore, and for the first time he experienced something similar to fear, or abandonment. “Haru-chan?” He mumbled, opening his eyes. He was probably in the kitchen, though, he thought immediately later.

He was feeling a bit better, at least the sleepy feeling had gone, and yet his own very existence was feeling shrinked. Like he was meaningless, a little parasite sucking on other people’s lifeblood. 

He got up, stumbling around for the host. He found him in the kitchen cooking up some mackerel, and he immediately rushed to him, hugging him from behind. “Do you think Mako-chan and Gou-chan and… everybody, do you think that they’ll hate me?” He asked in a low and needy voice.

Haruka nearly jumped in surprise at the sudden hug, not knowing that Nagisa had woken up. He relaxed in seconds when he realized who he was. His gaze was soft as he stared down at his mackerel, focusing on what seasonings to add and when to move it about in the pan for accurate cooking.

"I don’t think they will," he said. "They’re more understanding." Rei tended to overreact, he figured, while Kou would try and help Nagisa. Makoto would try to play the hero act he always did, like a big brother did.

Nagisa’s cheek was pressed against Haruka’s cervix, with his arms tying down on his stomach in a soft hold that could be broken any moment for better freedom in moving. There wasn’t much to hug since Haruka appeared to be a bit dry even physically, but it made Nagisa feel a bit warmer all the same. 

He hummed, not really convinced. "I think I’ll get some scolding from Mako-chan. And Rei-chan… I don’t even want to think about it," he added, nuzzling his head. "But I decided I’ll quit moping as soon as possible," he whispered, kissing up on Haruka’s nape, letting him go, then leaned against the counter, looking at what he was cooking. He smiled, expecting nothing different. "Can I help?" He offered, as he looked back at the other’s face.

Haruka missed Nagisa’s absence from behind, but he was glad to be offered. “Sure,” he said, smiling. He began to give him a list of ingredients he needed, and what to do. 

 

He expected it to go smoothly, but he noticed Nagisa trying to add too much, so he grabbed his wrist and told him directly how much and when to stop pouring seasonings on the mackerel. It humored him, however, and he was glad to be cooking like this with Nagisa.

Nagisa had lots of fun doing that. He did screw up a lot, but he appreciated doing something with Haru. He _smiled_ , which he didn’t expect from himself today, and when they finished cooking he felt so much warmer. “Sorry about ruining the mackerel.” He said, cackling softly. “Oh, man, it’s going to take me so long to get the fish smell off my hands.”

He leaned over to kiss Haruka’s lips, feeling quite a bit better. And then his mind ran to Rei and how fun it would also have been to cook with him. His smile faded as he looked down again. “It looks nice, Haru-chan, even though I probably ruined it”. _Like everything else,_ he thought to himself.

Haruka looked at the mackerel, which indeed, look too seasoned and well-done, but he would eat it anyway. He picked up his plate and chopsticks, and sat down at the table.

"It’ll be good," he said. He had enjoyed hearing Nagisa’s laughter and seeing his smiling, but he had seen a little shift after they finished. He wasn’t sure what was on his mind, but he had some ideas, mostly of Rei.

He brought he mackerel to his mouth and ate it. It was too salty, and a little crispy, but he kept a straight face. He chewed for what seemed like forever, mostly because he didn’t want to swallow it. Once he did, though, he looked at Nagisa and gave him a big smile. A big smile for him, anyway.

 

"It’s delicious!"

Nagisa blushed, bursting in laughter immediately. “Oh god, no, that’s such a lie. I’m sorry!” But he just softened up as he looked at Haruka smile. That was so rare he felt his chest swell up. He realized he was doing his best to cheer him up, and that moved him. He sat next to the other, grabbing his hand. He slowly brought it to his lips, kissing his knuckles. He took a breath, and then looked back into Haruka’s eyes. 

"I love you,” he purred sweetly.

Rei hadn’t faded, but he could not deny that Haruka had grown so much inside of him to be a constant in his days, so much that he could see himself spending a lot more afternoons like that, doing fun things together. And eventually, slip into a quiet but never boring routine, somewhere far away. He realized his heart was pounding so hard that Haruka could probably hear it, so he blushed, nuzzling his cheek into the blue-eyed boy’s palm.

Haru’s expression reverted to normal as he was laughed at, but he was glad to hear it. His cheeks warmed up while his hand was held.

"I love you, too," he said back, without any hesitation. His voice was back to being low and gentle, and he shifted closer to Nagisa to kiss him on the lips. "But you already know that."

And he kissed him again.

Nagisa leaned into the kiss gently, with his mouth opening and eyes closing, cupping both of Haruka’s cheeks. His breath went a little faster, shivers ran down his arms and spine. He smiled as he broke the kiss, grabbed Haruka’s chopsticks, tasted the mackerel and grimaced. “Ew, I really ruined it.” He giggled, covering his mouth. “Next time I’ll just leave it to you.” And then he took another piece, but this time he cocked his head. “Well, except for the salt it’s not that bad, I guess.”

Haruka felt hot and bothered after the kiss was broke off, and he licked his mouth slightly. His heart was achingly fast in his chest. He watched Nagisa take a bite, and huffed a soft noise of laughter.

"I wasn’t lying," he said. Not really. He took the chopsticks and took another bite, forcing himself to eat. Wasted mackerel was worse than badly cooked mackerel.

Nagisa covered his eyes, looking at him through his fingers. “Oh no, Haru-chan…” he mumbled, chuckling uncontrollably. “I’m mortified!”

But he got up, looking into the fridge since he was feeling hungry now. “Don’t tell me you only have mackerel here…”

"Alright, I won’t tell you,” Haruka retorted, tranquil. He kept eating the mackerel, crunching through it and slightly frowning. It was half gone by now, but he felt no desire to finish it. Yet, he took another bite, and looked at Nagisa.

Nagisa deflated. Mackerel, only _mackerel_ stuffed everywhere. His shoulders fell and he sighed. “If we’re going to live together, I’ll go grocery shopping. You’re incredible, Haru-chan, how did you not grow gills yet?” 

And then he just stared at nothing and laughed at himself. “Oh, wow, I already sound like we’re married or something.” 

 

He washed his hands, since they were still smelly. “I also wonder what my parents think. I’m more here than home, basically…” He smiled, lost in thought.

Haru’s heart jumped in his chest and he stared at him in shock. Did he really just say that? Nagisa said things without thinking usually, while what Haruka mostly did was just think. He was the type who thought hard before speaking out-loud, if he even did.

"So, you really want to move in with me someday?" 

Nagisa blinked, looking at him. “Uh, yeah. I’ll have to move out of home, and living with you seems the most reasonable thing, honestly, like what with splitting the rent and stuff. I still have to tell my parents though. But I just can’t wait to get out of Iwatobi. This place is all cool and dandy and all, but I want to see the world!” He concluded, widening his arms but hitting the table. “Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch…”

He leaned on the counter, smiling. “What, you thought I was pulling your leg? You’re not getting rid of me now.”

"Honestly, yeah, a little," Haruka said, feeling a little shy to admit that. He reached over and took Nagisa’s hand. He leaned over to kiss where Nagisa struck it, and he looked at the blond innocently.

"Are we still going to wait until after graduation?" He sounded like he couldn’t wait.

Nagisa nodded, pursing his lips. “I’d say yes. At least until after it. I’m still a minor, after all, and so are you, even though you’re clearly more free than me. But hey,” he replied, and pulled Haruka close. “We have time, isn’t it?” He added in a whisper, kissing him slowly, sloppily, with his hips rolling a little, and his cheeks turning pink. He was addicted to that kind of shiver. Teasing Haruka was a proper addiction to him now. He played a little with the other’s hair, while his fingers trailed up and down his nape. He hoped he could make Haruka half as happy as he did deserve.

What Nagisa said made sense, and Haruka didn’t argue with him, especially since the blond pulled him into a kiss.

He placed his hands on the smaller’s sides, gradually lowering as the kiss got more intense. He could feel how Nagisa was teasing him. He tugged on the hem of his pants just lightly, to let Nagisa know what he was up to.

Nagisa smirked amused, with his hands roaming down Haruka’s chest. It was like a little sort of dance, truthfully, and he found they synchronized pretty well, with every natural move. He had once thought a relationship with him was too odd to envision, and yet he found himself slipping into it with ease, with his heart rumbling quietly, and he knew there were no limits with him. He would not blame Rei for wanting to wait before getting intimate, but that was a non-issue with Haru. He was possessive, and even wild when Nagisa touched all the buttons he had discovered, and he liked to push them only to watch his reactions. It was fun, and exciting, and he would never get tired of it. Even just making out, even just feeling him close as he was so much similar to him than what anyone would expect. Even just knowing someone desired him that much.  

He tugged at his collar again, pulling him closer, so close that he would finish his oxygen soon, but that was such an irrelevant problem. Especially when Haruka was holding him in place. It just felt good.

Haruka pinned Nagisa against the nearest wall, so he could get as close as he could with the layers of clothes still between them. He broke their kiss, and his lips found their way across his jaw line and down his neck. His breath was hot against Nagisa’s skin.

 _Nagisa is mine_ , he thought, as he kissed him on the lips again. _Mine, and nobody else’s_. He suckled on his bottom lip, hard and eager, as if desperate and hungry.

 _Not Rei’s. Nobody’s. Just mine_.

 

His hands were getting lower and lower, rougher and harder.

He smirked. “Feels like… that first time.” Nagisa mumbled, with his cheeks getting hot because of Haruka’s lips attacking his skin which felt so much more sensitive. “…Remember?”

Back then he was scared. Now he was happy. Back then he was lost, and confused, and so much was happening that he couldn’t put a finger on how he felt, he went along with it because Haruka was leading. Now he was also in control. He could say no, and Haruka would back off. Thing is, he really didn’t want him to. He even pushed his body against the other’s, encouraging him. He pretty much wanted to be caught, and he knew they could both get wild with no worries. They were more and more alike as time passed by, and as they melted together Nagisa gladly accepted Haruka with every shade of his personality. They kissed again, both their mouths red and puffy and hungry.

And of course Haruka remembered. That was the day he first kissed Nagisa. The day they first opened up to each other and saw one another with new eyes. The day they first became intimate. It was the most important day of his life to date.

He didn’t reply, though, as his breath felt like it was rushing out, out, out… like he was drowning, but he was still diving. He kissed him hungrily as he began to pull Nagisa’s pants down a few inches.

He was desiring him so badly, even if Nagisa had screwed up their mackerel meal. He could already feel him in that way, and he wanted to feel it even more.

Nagisa panted in his mouth. He grabbed Haruka’s head, pressing it against his own in a wild kiss, while he rolled his hips against the other. Shivers were now going up and down his body incessantly, like an electric current - albeit a definitely pleasant one - was flowing through him with no way to discharge. It all ended up in his groin. 

He could reverse their positions any moment, but he was liking this way too much for him. He liked Haruka acting possessive. 

"I’m yours," he whispered over and over, as his breathing got erratic. When he turned pink eyes into Haruka’s turbulent oceanic ones, his expression softened up for a moment, before kissing his lips once again.

It seemed to be over much too quickly for Haru. Somehow, they had found themselves on the floor, tangled with each other and pieces of clothes that they didn’t manage to get off their bodies. Haru’s breath was quick and fast, and he immediately thought, _round two_?

But he didn’t say anything, and only laid there with the other. He reached up to play with Nagisa’s hair, staring at the strands and then shifting his gaze into the blond’s eyes. He felt so complete right then, as if he was born to be with Nagisa like this. Nothing else didn’t quite matter as much. Not mackerel, not swimming, not anything. Not even the tournaments or the team. Not Makoto or especially Rei.

All that mattered to him was that Nagisa was there, with him, because he wanted to be there. He loved him, he was his. Nothing else in this world would ever compare.

 

Nagisa reached to cup his cheek, kissing him softly. He smiled, and giggled. “Hmmm, I could do this all day, you know.” He leaned his head on the other boy’s shoulder, listening to his heartbeat. He closed his eyes, lulled by it. Thinking now was too much effort, but feeling, that he could. 

He felt at home. With someone who could get him because they were more or less the same. He felt Haruka’s skin under his fingertips which were sliding down lazily, he smelled their scents melted together. He saw his hand lying idly there, and reached for it to intertwine their fingers. He looked up at his eyes, calm like after a storm, then he smiled. Tomorrow he’d have to sit in front of Rei once again, but what mattered right now was being on a stone hard and cold floor, wet and sticky, with their hair ruffled up like a bolt had hit them, and that they were smiling like two happy idiots. Thinking of anything else would have meant spoiling the moment.


End file.
